Tag Archives: motivation

Where did my mojo go?

For the past few days I’ve been killing my to do list. I got a new job so I have about 10 days off before I start next week and my to do list is long do long long. Last week I was able to get tons done. Sent my laptops back to the old job, cleaned out my closet and organized everything into summer and spring, fall winter boxes, as well as “oh hell these don’t fit anymore” boxes. Also managed to get a few doc appts in, went to the beach, went to the fair, picked up my winning needlework entries from the fair, and pulled out the dead summer plants and replaced with pansies and flowering cabbage. Whew! Yeah, lots done.

But today I seem to have lost my motivation a bit. It’s nasty, windy, rainy outside today and I knew it would be so I saved all my indoor chores for today and am having a hard time getting off the couch and getting them done.

I need to get some laundry done, clean up my home office to turn it into a less officey living space. I’ll still keep the desk and file cabinet in there but I think the white board can be relocated to the basement and maybe I’ll bring my IKEA Poang chair upstairs to provide a comfy sitting place for reading and yakking on the phone.

Also need to do some grocery shopping but I think I’ll put that off until tomorrow in case we lose power. It would be just my luck to stock the freezer and fridge only to have the power go out. Guess we’ll get Chinese takeout tonight 🙂

OK here I go. The organization isn’t gonna get done by itself. Thinking I need a little caffeinated intervention here.

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Posted by on September 18, 2012 in Life


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Namaste, indeed.

Feels like I’m slowly climbing up from the darkness. The weather here has been wonderful for about a week, low to mid-70s during the day, 50s at night, so I think that has helped.

It’s been really hard but I’ve managed to keep my eating under control for 3 days. Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s been fairly bad for about 6 weeks now. Monday night I was super hungry after 10pm and I almost caved in and snacked but I’m trying really hard to not eat at night before bed.

Monday I got up early and walked. Yesterday I couldn’t manage to pull myself out of bed to walk, but late in the afternoon I learned about a free yoga class on the bank of a nearby river which sounded awesome. I love yoga but don’t do it often as 1. I prefer to go to a class where someone else decides what poses to do so I don’t have to think; and 2. practicing at a studio is super expensive.

I wasn’t sure if I could hold out until 8pm to eat dinner (no eating 2 hours before yoga) but at 6:30 I wasn’t really hungry yet so I quickly changed into stretchies, grabbed my yoga mat, and headed out.

Everything worked out perfectly and I’m so happy I went! Lots of parking, I was the first one there, the group was small, the instructor awesome and welcoming. And the setting could not be nicer.

This was just what I needed. I thanked the instructor so much for offering this class as it’s just what my mind, body, and spirit needed. She gave me a big warm hug and said she hoped to see me again. I’ll definitely be going back next week. Fingers crossed for good weather. But wow, am I sore today. Good sore though.

Wonderful environment for yoga

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Posted by on June 6, 2012 in Life


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Each day I awake with the gift of new possibilities. And each day I squander the potential.

Some days I wake yet I’m in darkness and the dark stays with me until I fall asleep.

Some days I wake into the bright light and remain somewhat light. An unexpected lunch with my cousin. An invitation to a graduation. I enjoy the light so yet somehow let myself fall back into the darkness afterward.

A friend reached out to me and I reached back.

She said sometimes people put up barriers to keep people out. But that sometimes the barrier is put up to see who cares enough to break thru it. She broke the barrier and we had a wonderful day where we were both bathed in the glowing light of friendship and community.

Yet here I am in darkness again. Every day sinking further.

I’m angry with myself that my despair, this melancholy mood, is causing me to make bad choices. I am determined to not throw away my health and my life like my father did, yet are the choices I’m making any better? Not really. So why am I doing this to myself?

This needs to stop.

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Posted by on May 31, 2012 in Life


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Step by step

So it’s Monday again and we all know what that means. D-day. All diets start on Mondays, yeah? It’s been about a month since I’ve had my act together, almost to the day, but I’m trying very hard to put it all behind me and start anew. Again.

To recap the weekend, I did not do the Annapolis 1 mile challenge, nor did I do the .05k. Kind of pissed at myself about the latter, but I just wasn’t in the mood to go to all the trouble to act silly for 45 seconds all by myself. Yes, I understand the total lack of logic in that decision. It was less than 1 minute, it wouldn’t kill me, but I just couldn’t make it important enough in my head to get out of bed and make the effort.

In fact I was pretty pissy most of the morning and into the afternoon. Jay and I went shopping for a few things and while I was out a friend texted to say she had missed me at knitting. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed for that either. That’s when I realized that I had actually been out drinking 2 nights in a row, was sleep deprived, and it was no wonder I was so crabby. Just one drink on Wednesday night then the long, late night with the old friend on Thursday. Thursday night was so bizarre that I had apparently totally forgotten about Wednesday night. Really bizarre.

Sunday I knitted with another friend so it was a relaxing afternoon. On the way home I stopped by Trader Joe’s to stock up on all sorts of good healthy stuff for the fridge and pantry so I’d have no excuse to run out for coffee, lunch, snacks or anything. Somehow I totally forgot olive oil which was the first item on my list. Ugh I hate it when I do that.

It has come to my attention that this year’s weight loss focus has been mostly unfocused. Sure for the most part I was sticking to under 1,600 calories per day, but the quality of what I was eating was not the best it could be. So today I concentrated on eating very intuitively and making better choices with the good stuff I got from TJ’s. I did have my usual oatmeal for breakfast but cut down on the brown sugar and olivio a bit to save some calories.

Another thing I had been doing is eating way too late at night. I’d skimp on calories for breakfast and lunch so I could eat a big dinner and a hearty snack between 9 and 10pm. Well that’s ending today. I had my oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, a great sandwich with veggies for lunch, spaghetti and veggies for dinner and then a few small York peppermint patties for dessert. And felt totally satisfied and happy with that.

Tonight I had band. It’s the first day of the new semester which means removing all the music from the folders, organizing it, and putting new music into all the folders. This process always involves a pizza party to lure us to show up to help with this boring task. I’m very proud of myself for not indulging in any of that. Just a tiny glass of Diet Coke while I stayed focused on organizing music.

So all in all a pretty good day. Work wasn’t too disappointing but it’s an off week for me so it will be slightly boring. It rained cats and dogs all day so I didn’t make it outside for a walk. Hoping for clear skies Tuesday or Wednesday morning so I can walk to the library to return a book. Oh, they’ve closed the walking path I usually take to the library (repairs or something) so I’ll have to walk in the street which kind of bites.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I hope it will be as good as today.  Enjoy your Tuesday!

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Posted by on May 21, 2012 in Life, losing weight


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The Tin Woman Rises

This morning I managed to drag my butt out of bed and go for a walk. Since my last blog entry I’ve done nothing in the way of self-care so this is a step in the right direction. Not saying I’m going to jump out of bed and do it again tomorrow, but I literally plunked my ass on the couch since my last “run” and have done nothing since.

Last month I went home to Michigan to bury my dad. I had intended to keep up with the running there and brought all my workout stuff with me, but in the midst of more funeral and mom drama, I did nothing. And the nothing continued until today.

I’ve learned that I’m either not mentally/emotionally strong enough or just in my own damn head too much to deal with everything life has thrown at me this year. Life’s trials have always tended to derail me, but as I get older, and everyone around me gets older, the trials become more significant and they totally weigh me down.

When I was in Michigan we had the burial, then I visited my aunt (my mom’s sister) who has brain cancer as I’m not sure I’ll see her again. I didn’t get enough time with Renee. We usually have a sleepover and stay up most of the night knitting and talking and giggling but mom was weirded out being alone in the house with my uncle so I just went over to Renee’s for a few hours so not enough recharging of my batteries.

The trip home was not too traumatic but the day after I got home Jay flew back out to see his dad. No one told us he had been in the hospital for a month so he flew out there to look into things. That’s a whole other drama that I won’t go into, but will involve lots of trips home and lots of family drama and legal bills.

Finally work is just not all that great lately. Lots of changes in the last 2 months or so and lots of change on the horizon. I really hate to think about starting over but I’m not at all happy with the way things have changed with my position so I need to make some tough decisions about what I want to do. I don’t want to go, but not sure if I want to stay. Now is probably not the best time to be making a big decision like that though so I’m still in the thinking stages. I’m hoping things improve and the powers that be start remembering that I’m out here and realize I can help and the decision will be made for me.

I really need to get out of my head, out of the past and the anger about so many things. Get out of the fear of what’s going to happen next and just live every minute.

So I walked this morning. And that’s all I can do right now. I’m not going to even try to run or push myself too hard. Hell, my knees actually started to feel all rusty, like the Tin Man, and my foot hurts for no apparent reason. How it could hurt when the only physical things I’ve done for a month is grocery shopping and laundry is totally beyond me. But I don’t like it. I’m up a few pounds, I don’t feel good, and it’s still a struggle to just get out of bed every day, let alone do something productive.

Tomorrow I hope to feel motivated enough to get up and get outside again for a little movement. I do feel better just from the 30 minutes of activity, the fresh air, and the bit of vitamin D I absorbed. But no grand goals for now. I’d like to just get out and move and of course lose the 10 pounds or so I gained back but I’m not setting a date for that or any rewards. Just letting things work out on their own. No pressure. No expectations.

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Posted by on May 17, 2012 in Life, losing weight, Rants, Running


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Time to throw in the towel?

It’s kind of amazing how I have to drag myself out of bed to get a workout in before work but then half way through it I somehow find the energy to get it done and feel good afterward.

Now if my body would just cooperate I’d be a happy camper. I’m not going to have much to say about running or anything if that doesn’t start to fall into line.

After Tuesday’s fairly good run I thought for sure I’d sign up for the Annapolis 1-mile run. Later that same day is the Eastport Bridge “run” and I had intended to do that as well. But after today’s super crappy run I’m starting to rethink this whole thing. I’ve just about reached the end of my rope with this and have to make a hard decision.

Basically I did the same as Tuesday. Walked slowly for about a mile, maybe a little less. Stopped for a good 3-5 minutes to stretch everything out really well, walked to the top of the last hill, reset my timer, queued up my theme song on my iPod (Hell Yeah by Rev Theory followed by Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga) and ran for it.

The first run was great. It felt good, I ran farther than ever, the stopped when my thighs couldn’t take anymore. Shins felt pretty good despite the fact that they were feeling a little splinty during the walk. Ran again shortly thereafter and didn’t go quite as far as I had hoped but soon after the voice in my ear said time elapsed 2.5 minutes for .2 miles. Beautiful. This inspired me to run again and the pain started to set in so I slowed to a walk, stopped to stretch a bit, then tried again but just couldn’t do it. Ugh.

Basically I limped to my usual resting/stretching spot and stretched for about 5 minutes. Walked the rest of the track and home without any pain but didn’t try to run again as I knew it would just hurt and aggravate the hell out of me again and there was no way I was going to cry in front of the cops again 🙂

As I walked home, pissed as hell, I decided that I’ve got to make a decision here. Do I just stick to walking and horrid in-home DVDs and try again after I’ve lost another 20 pounds? I don’t see how losing more weight will help with this though since I’ve had shinsplints since I was 15 years old and in good physical shape. But I’m just not sure what to do.

When I got home I got the idea that maybe I could hire a personal running trainer for a few sessions so he or she can evaluate my form, observe what I’m doing, maybe make some helpful suggestions. Whilst researching that I found a local running group that’s offering a beginning running program starting next week so maybe I’ll join that. I had intended to join the program at my local Fleet Feet but it started while I was home for my dad’s funeral so I missed out. Plus I don’t really find the folks at the running stores to be that helpful as they just want to sell me stuff.

So some decisions to be made here….



Posted by on April 19, 2012 in Life, Running, weight loss


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No more slacking!

The weather here has been beautiful so I’ve been out enjoying it and not so much computer and blogging.  Thursday’s creepy guy episode didn’t scare me off but I did slack just a bit due to other stuff getting in the way. Well I took Saturday off as a rest day, ran on Sunday, then took Monday off as we had more house drama so I was stuck home most of the day waiting for an electrician. The fun just never ends around here.

So after slacking on Monday, I managed to drag my butt out of bed and head out to the track. This time I walked about 3/4 of the way around then started my timing app and started the running. First one was very good and longer than usual. Second was OK but shorter. There were two guys up on a scaffold working on something and they were watching me which made me totally self-conscious so it was hard to concentrate. After a short rest I ran again briefly, then 2 more times before stopping for about 1 minute to stretch out at my usual spot.

At this point the pain was pretty bad but the lady in my ear said something about having gone .8 miles in 12 minutes which motivated me to try to run at least once more. The run after the stretch was not bad at all and I managed to get one more good uphill try in before she said I’d gone a mile. So it was 16:44 but I stopped for a full minute to stretch so I’m deducting the stretch time 🙂

So good, good time for me considering the pain and that my legs are really short. Still bummed about the pain though. Still, I’m not giving up yet. On one hand I feel like I’m not making any progress but I am running much longer and much more often than I was one month ago so I guess there’s some progress.

One thing I learned is that the volume level on my iPod is likely much too high. After the mile was up I limped up the hill and was slouched against the dog crap bag dispenser crying about the pain and didn’t even notice the cop 20 feet away from me trying to get my attention. When I finally looked up I saw her waving at me so I pulled one earbud out of my ear and heard her ask if I was OK. Yikes, that’s probably not good that I couldn’t hear her talking to me. What else is interesting is that 4 other people walked or ran by during this time but she was the only person to say anything. Interesting.

So the good is that my 1 mile time was 15:44 which is the best I’ve ever done. But kind of a fluke so I’m still not sure if I’m going to bother signing up for the 1 mile run next month. Jay has signed up to work the event so I’m going to wait til the week before and see how it goes unless I have some sort of amazing breakthrough in the next week. Also good is that I ran, however long or short, a total of 8 times today. So I suppose that’s progress too.

And no big dogs jumped on me. Have I mentioned this yet? That when I’m out the big dogs are just drawn to me and love to jump up on me and get in my face? Ugh, so annoying. Today it was just the cutest little Yorkie. He came running at me and licked my ankles so I scooped him up and hugged him. So adorable.

OK so glass half full still. Half full. Need to fill it up a little higher though.


Posted by on April 18, 2012 in Life, Rants, Running


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