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Namaste, indeed.

Feels like I’m slowly climbing up from the darkness. The weather here has been wonderful for about a week, low to mid-70s during the day, 50s at night, so I think that has helped.

It’s been really hard but I’ve managed to keep my eating under control for 3 days. Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s been fairly bad for about 6 weeks now. Monday night I was super hungry after 10pm and I almost caved in and snacked but I’m trying really hard to not eat at night before bed.

Monday I got up early and walked. Yesterday I couldn’t manage to pull myself out of bed to walk, but late in the afternoon I learned about a free yoga class on the bank of a nearby river which sounded awesome. I love yoga but don’t do it often as 1. I prefer to go to a class where someone else decides what poses to do so I don’t have to think; and 2. practicing at a studio is super expensive.

I wasn’t sure if I could hold out until 8pm to eat dinner (no eating 2 hours before yoga) but at 6:30 I wasn’t really hungry yet so I quickly changed into stretchies, grabbed my yoga mat, and headed out.

Everything worked out perfectly and I’m so happy I went! Lots of parking, I was the first one there, the group was small, the instructor awesome and welcoming. And the setting could not be nicer.

This was just what I needed. I thanked the instructor so much for offering this class as it’s just what my mind, body, and spirit needed. She gave me a big warm hug and said she hoped to see me again. I’ll definitely be going back next week. Fingers crossed for good weather. But wow, am I sore today. Good sore though.

Wonderful environment for yoga

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Posted by on June 6, 2012 in Life

 

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Step by step

So it’s Monday again and we all know what that means. D-day. All diets start on Mondays, yeah? It’s been about a month since I’ve had my act together, almost to the day, but I’m trying very hard to put it all behind me and start anew. Again.

To recap the weekend, I did not do the Annapolis 1 mile challenge, nor did I do the .05k. Kind of pissed at myself about the latter, but I just wasn’t in the mood to go to all the trouble to act silly for 45 seconds all by myself. Yes, I understand the total lack of logic in that decision. It was less than 1 minute, it wouldn’t kill me, but I just couldn’t make it important enough in my head to get out of bed and make the effort.

In fact I was pretty pissy most of the morning and into the afternoon. Jay and I went shopping for a few things and while I was out a friend texted to say she had missed me at knitting. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed for that either. That’s when I realized that I had actually been out drinking 2 nights in a row, was sleep deprived, and it was no wonder I was so crabby. Just one drink on Wednesday night then the long, late night with the old friend on Thursday. Thursday night was so bizarre that I had apparently totally forgotten about Wednesday night. Really bizarre.

Sunday I knitted with another friend so it was a relaxing afternoon. On the way home I stopped by Trader Joe’s to stock up on all sorts of good healthy stuff for the fridge and pantry so I’d have no excuse to run out for coffee, lunch, snacks or anything. Somehow I totally forgot olive oil which was the first item on my list. Ugh I hate it when I do that.

It has come to my attention that this year’s weight loss focus has been mostly unfocused. Sure for the most part I was sticking to under 1,600 calories per day, but the quality of what I was eating was not the best it could be. So today I concentrated on eating very intuitively and making better choices with the good stuff I got from TJ’s. I did have my usual oatmeal for breakfast but cut down on the brown sugar and olivio a bit to save some calories.

Another thing I had been doing is eating way too late at night. I’d skimp on calories for breakfast and lunch so I could eat a big dinner and a hearty snack between 9 and 10pm. Well that’s ending today. I had my oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, a great sandwich with veggies for lunch, spaghetti and veggies for dinner and then a few small York peppermint patties for dessert. And felt totally satisfied and happy with that.

Tonight I had band. It’s the first day of the new semester which means removing all the music from the folders, organizing it, and putting new music into all the folders. This process always involves a pizza party to lure us to show up to help with this boring task. I’m very proud of myself for not indulging in any of that. Just a tiny glass of Diet Coke while I stayed focused on organizing music.

So all in all a pretty good day. Work wasn’t too disappointing but it’s an off week for me so it will be slightly boring. It rained cats and dogs all day so I didn’t make it outside for a walk. Hoping for clear skies Tuesday or Wednesday morning so I can walk to the library to return a book. Oh, they’ve closed the walking path I usually take to the library (repairs or something) so I’ll have to walk in the street which kind of bites.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I hope it will be as good as today.  Enjoy your Tuesday!

 
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Posted by on May 21, 2012 in Life, losing weight

 

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The Tin Woman Rises

This morning I managed to drag my butt out of bed and go for a walk. Since my last blog entry I’ve done nothing in the way of self-care so this is a step in the right direction. Not saying I’m going to jump out of bed and do it again tomorrow, but I literally plunked my ass on the couch since my last “run” and have done nothing since.

Last month I went home to Michigan to bury my dad. I had intended to keep up with the running there and brought all my workout stuff with me, but in the midst of more funeral and mom drama, I did nothing. And the nothing continued until today.

I’ve learned that I’m either not mentally/emotionally strong enough or just in my own damn head too much to deal with everything life has thrown at me this year. Life’s trials have always tended to derail me, but as I get older, and everyone around me gets older, the trials become more significant and they totally weigh me down.

When I was in Michigan we had the burial, then I visited my aunt (my mom’s sister) who has brain cancer as I’m not sure I’ll see her again. I didn’t get enough time with Renee. We usually have a sleepover and stay up most of the night knitting and talking and giggling but mom was weirded out being alone in the house with my uncle so I just went over to Renee’s for a few hours so not enough recharging of my batteries.

The trip home was not too traumatic but the day after I got home Jay flew back out to see his dad. No one told us he had been in the hospital for a month so he flew out there to look into things. That’s a whole other drama that I won’t go into, but will involve lots of trips home and lots of family drama and legal bills.

Finally work is just not all that great lately. Lots of changes in the last 2 months or so and lots of change on the horizon. I really hate to think about starting over but I’m not at all happy with the way things have changed with my position so I need to make some tough decisions about what I want to do. I don’t want to go, but not sure if I want to stay. Now is probably not the best time to be making a big decision like that though so I’m still in the thinking stages. I’m hoping things improve and the powers that be start remembering that I’m out here and realize I can help and the decision will be made for me.

I really need to get out of my head, out of the past and the anger about so many things. Get out of the fear of what’s going to happen next and just live every minute.

So I walked this morning. And that’s all I can do right now. I’m not going to even try to run or push myself too hard. Hell, my knees actually started to feel all rusty, like the Tin Man, and my foot hurts for no apparent reason. How it could hurt when the only physical things I’ve done for a month is grocery shopping and laundry is totally beyond me. But I don’t like it. I’m up a few pounds, I don’t feel good, and it’s still a struggle to just get out of bed every day, let alone do something productive.

Tomorrow I hope to feel motivated enough to get up and get outside again for a little movement. I do feel better just from the 30 minutes of activity, the fresh air, and the bit of vitamin D I absorbed. But no grand goals for now. I’d like to just get out and move and of course lose the 10 pounds or so I gained back but I’m not setting a date for that or any rewards. Just letting things work out on their own. No pressure. No expectations.

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2012 in Life, losing weight, Rants, Running

 

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Time to throw in the towel?

It’s kind of amazing how I have to drag myself out of bed to get a workout in before work but then half way through it I somehow find the energy to get it done and feel good afterward.

Now if my body would just cooperate I’d be a happy camper. I’m not going to have much to say about running or anything if that doesn’t start to fall into line.

After Tuesday’s fairly good run I thought for sure I’d sign up for the Annapolis 1-mile run. Later that same day is the Eastport Bridge “run” and I had intended to do that as well. But after today’s super crappy run I’m starting to rethink this whole thing. I’ve just about reached the end of my rope with this and have to make a hard decision.

Basically I did the same as Tuesday. Walked slowly for about a mile, maybe a little less. Stopped for a good 3-5 minutes to stretch everything out really well, walked to the top of the last hill, reset my timer, queued up my theme song on my iPod (Hell Yeah by Rev Theory followed by Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga) and ran for it.

The first run was great. It felt good, I ran farther than ever, the stopped when my thighs couldn’t take anymore. Shins felt pretty good despite the fact that they were feeling a little splinty during the walk. Ran again shortly thereafter and didn’t go quite as far as I had hoped but soon after the voice in my ear said time elapsed 2.5 minutes for .2 miles. Beautiful. This inspired me to run again and the pain started to set in so I slowed to a walk, stopped to stretch a bit, then tried again but just couldn’t do it. Ugh.

Basically I limped to my usual resting/stretching spot and stretched for about 5 minutes. Walked the rest of the track and home without any pain but didn’t try to run again as I knew it would just hurt and aggravate the hell out of me again and there was no way I was going to cry in front of the cops again 🙂

As I walked home, pissed as hell, I decided that I’ve got to make a decision here. Do I just stick to walking and horrid in-home DVDs and try again after I’ve lost another 20 pounds? I don’t see how losing more weight will help with this though since I’ve had shinsplints since I was 15 years old and in good physical shape. But I’m just not sure what to do.

When I got home I got the idea that maybe I could hire a personal running trainer for a few sessions so he or she can evaluate my form, observe what I’m doing, maybe make some helpful suggestions. Whilst researching that I found a local running group that’s offering a beginning running program starting next week so maybe I’ll join that. I had intended to join the program at my local Fleet Feet but it started while I was home for my dad’s funeral so I missed out. Plus I don’t really find the folks at the running stores to be that helpful as they just want to sell me stuff.

So some decisions to be made here….

 

 
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Posted by on April 19, 2012 in Life, Running, weight loss

 

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Maybe I’m the weirdo

Jay’s Chevy has been giving him problems so he’s been looking to replace it. Yesterday he came home with a used Nissan (with the salesman inside) and roped me into a test drive. It’s an OK car, doesn’t really knock me out, but he loved it and it was a great price.

Before I knew it, he was returning the car to the dealership with me following in my Mitsubishi. The original plan was to turn in the problematic Chevy and keep the Mitsu as it’s paid off. But the Mitsu is getting very old so it’s kind of a weird balance to strike. In the end we decided to keep the Chevy and turn in my Mitsu as they gave us a good trade in value on it.

Again, before I knew it, I was standing in the parking lot of the dealership transferring all my crap from the Mitsu into the Chevy. A big old man Chevy with the friggin shifter on the steering column. And the Sirius satellite radio expired last week.

I don’t tend to get too attached to material things like cars, but I loved that car. It felt good, it handled awesomely, and it’s the first car about which I said “I want that” and bought it. I feel like a rug has been pulled out from underneath me. It happened so quickly. Another loss in the string of losses thus far this year. Plus I missed dinner (and grocery shopping) due to spending 3 hours in the dealership (ugh, I despise car dealerships and mindless chit chat with salesmen). Props to me for stopping for a salad at Wendy’s on the way home and not binging due to being hangry and annoyed.

Everyone just seems weird to me lately. Which makes me think that the problem is with me. Know what I mean? Like if everyone in my life seems weird and off and the common denominator is me, maybe I am the problem.

My brother seems totally weird to me lately. My mom is driving me crazy with all the uncertainty about what to bury with my dad in 2 weeks and she’s been weird-ish on the phone. He has very few possessions, of which my brother and husband have asked for a few, but she wants to cram it all in the grave with dad’s ashes and slam the door. I don’t understand why anything has to go in there with him. It’s not a time capsule nor is it a trash can. Shove him in, close the door, period. But if she sticks all his stuff in there, none of the boys has any sort of remembrance of my dad. I was able to grab a few things when I was last home (not stuff they wanted) but the boys (bro, nephew, DH) got nothing. Whatever. Just another thing to either fight about when I get there or ignore the giant pink elephant in the room so no one has to have an unpleasant feeling or discussion. I’m definitely harboring some ill will from the funeral 2 months ago that I supposed I need to let out.

I guess Jay seems weird to me too about the whole car thing. Already mentioned that. And work. Work is just weird. It’s not getting any better since my old manager left. I’m out here on my little island and out of the loop. I feel like it’s time to move on but I’ve got a great gig. I work at home so I don’t have to get dressed, commute, deal with office crap, and I have tons of freedom. That part is great but the being on my own private island thing is not satisfying so I have to decide if I’m ready to give all that up.

I actually got up early (that’s what happens when you go to bed angry and sulky at 10pm) and went for a walk. I’m calling it a walk because I don’t think what I’m doing can really be called running. It’s friggin pathetic. Somehow though it lifted my mood a bit. Yes, this blog is being typed whilst in a better mood from that in which I woke so you can imagine how pissy I was 4 hours ago.

Apparently I decided waking up in a bad mood wasn’t enough so I undressed, hopped on the scale (yes I realize I’m weighing in much too often) and found the number back up to where it was 2 weeks ago. Then I got a glimpse of my big ass in the mirror and almost crawled back into bed like the groundhog crawls back into his hidey hole on February 2nd when they pull him out of his cozy spot. But I am determined (or is it stupid, I haven’t decided) to press on, so I got dressed in workout clothes and headed out.

I walked to the library to drop off a book then to the track where I ran approximately 5 times. Prior to the first run I stretched a bit then reset my distance tracking app so I could get a good read on distance and time. The first two runs were not bad at all. But 3-5 were fairly lame due to, yep you guessed it, shinsplints. The only positive is that my time was 16:50 to do the mile which included lots of (very slow) walking in between runs.

My mother always tells me “slow and steady wins the race” and I believe that perseverance and dedication equals success, but right now I’m really struggling. I feel like I’m going no where. Every day I want to give up. I don’t want to give up but, please, I just need something to move in a positive direction. And soon. If I could just have one week of everything going really well it would help in a big way.

 
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Posted by on April 10, 2012 in Life, Rants, Running

 

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Busting my hump for a whoopie pie

After Thursday’s sucky shin splinty run, I decided to rest today. It was nice to sleep in a bit and lounge around in bed until I was good and ready to get up. I skipped knitting group, snuggled with kittybaby until around 10, then got up and decided to get to the garden center. Jay and I have been cleaning up the hideous garden beds in the front yard (from previous owner(s)) and improve the curb appeal of the house. Fortunately we’ve done this many times before so we know what we’re doing.

Here’s the main landscape bed before. Hideous monstrosity of random foliage, awful shape, and a mishmash of edging bricks.

Last weekend we dug all of that out, moved the rocks elsewhere, got rid of the ugly pink bricks and cut out the new shape. Today we bought and planted a weeping cherry tree in the center. I’ve always wanted a flowering tree, specifically a weeping cherry, so I’m happy to have finally gotten one. Unfortunately it’s already done blooming for the year, but gives us something to look forward to next spring. I worked the system a bit and mentioned that a weeping tree would be nice in honor of my dad and Jay agreed. Yay for being dramatic.

Anyway, here’s the after pic. Too much sunlight but you get the idea.

Oh, and Jay totally backed into an entire pallet of sod at gardenland and scraped up the side of his car. It was hilarious. I regret not getting it on video but it happened so quickly I could only stand there and laugh.

We’re still trying to decide what to plant around the tree. I had planned concentric circles of rudbeckia & purple coneflower closest to the tree, annuals in the middle ring, and then fill in the outer section with creeping phlox, but Jay got all weird at the garden center and suggested something totally different so we just got the tree and a few new shrubs (golden euonymous) for the other landscape bed below. I’ll figure out something later this week. I’d like to get everything planted next Saturday/Sunday and mulched in.

Need some annuals in front and then this will be done.

I feel zero guilt about not working out at all today, especially since I busted my hump doing yardwork for a few hours. Tomorrow I’m planning to get back out for a run and hope that my shinsplints are improved. I really thought I had those under control. Going to try heading directly to the track with just a short warm up, then run on the grass again and hope for the best.

The scale is moving downward finally so I’m happy about that. My clothes have been fitting better as well which is a good indicator of shrinkage, but it’s good to see the proof in the numbers. Tomorrow I need to take in the waistline of two pairs of shorts I bought last month that are already getting too large. I really should get a belt to solve that problem.

I bought a tiny whoopie pie at the Amish market while I was shopping for Easter dinner supplies. I’m realllllly looking forward to eating it tomorrow. 🙂

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2012 in Life, Running

 

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The corner has been turned

Saturday was pretty good. Low key, but good. Went to Stitch & Bitch in the morning which always provides tons of laughs.  Spent the afternoon reading, napping, and knitting then went to an adults only Easter egg hunt. Not that it was X-rated or anything, just no kids allowed. We had a great time running around in the dark hunting for eggs and won some fun prizes.

Last night I had trouble falling asleep. A friend is going thru a rough time right now so he’s been on my mind a lot. I listened to some yoga type music and tried to move my mind’s focus from him to my planned run this morning. To my surprise, I was actually looking forward to the run. I visualized myself heading out for a run this morning and being able to run further and with less effort than I had on Friday and before I knew it, I was asleep.

This morning I woke up at 7:30. The alarm was set for 8:30 but the whoop whoop of a police car startled me (police, fire, ambulance at the neighbor’s house). I tried to fall back asleep for another hour but my mind again turned to my friend and focus on stuff I cannot help with, so I got up and headed out. I walked one full lap around the track then started my run where I normally start running. My goal was to run to the corner of the 2 major cross streets before stopping. Again, not sure of the time as I’m just going what feels good at this point and setting small goals, such as “try to make it to the corner of x and y streets”. Just running and pushing myself to go a little further each day.

So the first leg of the journey was great. Walked for a bit to catch my breath. Yeah, my breath. At this point I seem to have figured out the shin pain issue so now it’s all about running until my breathing is too labored or my thighs get wobbly.

The 2nd run went pretty well too although I stopped short of the small hill so it probably wasn’t as long as it could have been. I stopped to stretch very briefly at the flagpoles then walked to the next part I wanted to run.

The 3rd run went great as well. My goal was to start running at the part of the track that is comprised of brick pavers and to run to where the brick pavers end and the track becomes asphalt again. It’s not far but it’s slightly uphill so about halfway thru I was plodding along very slowly but I did it. I reached the goal and I was so glad.

About then I started to feel really hungry and the slightest bit nauseous so I walked the rest of the way up the hill and wasn’t sure if I’d run any more today. However when I got to the flat part of the track I felt better and was able to run from the parking payment machine to where the track turns to the left so, again, another great run.

I finally feel like I’ve turned the corner here and I could not be more excited. I’m starting to feel like being able to run much of, if not all of, the Annapolis 1 Mile Challenge is in the realm of possibility now and that’s very motivating. I’m also kind of looking forward to weighing in on Wednesday to see if all this running is helping to drop some weight more quickly.

So this desire to run is all very new and strange to me. As I was making my way back home this morning I couldn’t help think that I hardly recognize myself lately. I’m not the type to get up early on a weekend morning to run. I like my sleep, I like my warm bed, I like lounging around in it as long as possible and just thinking about things, people, whatnot. But I also like the idea of a healthy, happy future and not end up sick by age 50 like my dad was.

So I don’t really know who this girl is that I’ve become. But I’m getting to know her better and I like her. I’m cultivating a friendship with myself and that’s a really good thing.

 
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Posted by on April 1, 2012 in Life, Running

 

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