Jay’s Chevy has been giving him problems so he’s been looking to replace it. Yesterday he came home with a used Nissan (with the salesman inside) and roped me into a test drive. It’s an OK car, doesn’t really knock me out, but he loved it and it was a great price.
Before I knew it, he was returning the car to the dealership with me following in my Mitsubishi. The original plan was to turn in the problematic Chevy and keep the Mitsu as it’s paid off. But the Mitsu is getting very old so it’s kind of a weird balance to strike. In the end we decided to keep the Chevy and turn in my Mitsu as they gave us a good trade in value on it.
Again, before I knew it, I was standing in the parking lot of the dealership transferring all my crap from the Mitsu into the Chevy. A big old man Chevy with the friggin shifter on the steering column. And the Sirius satellite radio expired last week.
I don’t tend to get too attached to material things like cars, but I loved that car. It felt good, it handled awesomely, and it’s the first car about which I said “I want that” and bought it. I feel like a rug has been pulled out from underneath me. It happened so quickly. Another loss in the string of losses thus far this year. Plus I missed dinner (and grocery shopping) due to spending 3 hours in the dealership (ugh, I despise car dealerships and mindless chit chat with salesmen). Props to me for stopping for a salad at Wendy’s on the way home and not binging due to being hangry and annoyed.
Everyone just seems weird to me lately. Which makes me think that the problem is with me. Know what I mean? Like if everyone in my life seems weird and off and the common denominator is me, maybe I am the problem.
My brother seems totally weird to me lately. My mom is driving me crazy with all the uncertainty about what to bury with my dad in 2 weeks and she’s been weird-ish on the phone. He has very few possessions, of which my brother and husband have asked for a few, but she wants to cram it all in the grave with dad’s ashes and slam the door. I don’t understand why anything has to go in there with him. It’s not a time capsule nor is it a trash can. Shove him in, close the door, period. But if she sticks all his stuff in there, none of the boys has any sort of remembrance of my dad. I was able to grab a few things when I was last home (not stuff they wanted) but the boys (bro, nephew, DH) got nothing. Whatever. Just another thing to either fight about when I get there or ignore the giant pink elephant in the room so no one has to have an unpleasant feeling or discussion. I’m definitely harboring some ill will from the funeral 2 months ago that I supposed I need to let out.
I guess Jay seems weird to me too about the whole car thing. Already mentioned that. And work. Work is just weird. It’s not getting any better since my old manager left. I’m out here on my little island and out of the loop. I feel like it’s time to move on but I’ve got a great gig. I work at home so I don’t have to get dressed, commute, deal with office crap, and I have tons of freedom. That part is great but the being on my own private island thing is not satisfying so I have to decide if I’m ready to give all that up.
I actually got up early (that’s what happens when you go to bed angry and sulky at 10pm) and went for a walk. I’m calling it a walk because I don’t think what I’m doing can really be called running. It’s friggin pathetic. Somehow though it lifted my mood a bit. Yes, this blog is being typed whilst in a better mood from that in which I woke so you can imagine how pissy I was 4 hours ago.
Apparently I decided waking up in a bad mood wasn’t enough so I undressed, hopped on the scale (yes I realize I’m weighing in much too often) and found the number back up to where it was 2 weeks ago. Then I got a glimpse of my big ass in the mirror and almost crawled back into bed like the groundhog crawls back into his hidey hole on February 2nd when they pull him out of his cozy spot. But I am determined (or is it stupid, I haven’t decided) to press on, so I got dressed in workout clothes and headed out.
I walked to the library to drop off a book then to the track where I ran approximately 5 times. Prior to the first run I stretched a bit then reset my distance tracking app so I could get a good read on distance and time. The first two runs were not bad at all. But 3-5 were fairly lame due to, yep you guessed it, shinsplints. The only positive is that my time was 16:50 to do the mile which included lots of (very slow) walking in between runs.
My mother always tells me “slow and steady wins the race” and I believe that perseverance and dedication equals success, but right now I’m really struggling. I feel like I’m going no where. Every day I want to give up. I don’t want to give up but, please, I just need something to move in a positive direction. And soon. If I could just have one week of everything going really well it would help in a big way.