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Darkness

Each day I awake with the gift of new possibilities. And each day I squander the potential.

Some days I wake yet I’m in darkness and the dark stays with me until I fall asleep.

Some days I wake into the bright light and remain somewhat light. An unexpected lunch with my cousin. An invitation to a graduation. I enjoy the light so yet somehow let myself fall back into the darkness afterward.

A friend reached out to me and I reached back.

She said sometimes people put up barriers to keep people out. But that sometimes the barrier is put up to see who cares enough to break thru it. She broke the barrier and we had a wonderful day where we were both bathed in the glowing light of friendship and community.

Yet here I am in darkness again. Every day sinking further.

I’m angry with myself that my despair, this melancholy mood, is causing me to make bad choices. I am determined to not throw away my health and my life like my father did, yet are the choices I’m making any better? Not really. So why am I doing this to myself?

This needs to stop.

 
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Posted by on May 31, 2012 in Life

 

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Step by step

So it’s Monday again and we all know what that means. D-day. All diets start on Mondays, yeah? It’s been about a month since I’ve had my act together, almost to the day, but I’m trying very hard to put it all behind me and start anew. Again.

To recap the weekend, I did not do the Annapolis 1 mile challenge, nor did I do the .05k. Kind of pissed at myself about the latter, but I just wasn’t in the mood to go to all the trouble to act silly for 45 seconds all by myself. Yes, I understand the total lack of logic in that decision. It was less than 1 minute, it wouldn’t kill me, but I just couldn’t make it important enough in my head to get out of bed and make the effort.

In fact I was pretty pissy most of the morning and into the afternoon. Jay and I went shopping for a few things and while I was out a friend texted to say she had missed me at knitting. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed for that either. That’s when I realized that I had actually been out drinking 2 nights in a row, was sleep deprived, and it was no wonder I was so crabby. Just one drink on Wednesday night then the long, late night with the old friend on Thursday. Thursday night was so bizarre that I had apparently totally forgotten about Wednesday night. Really bizarre.

Sunday I knitted with another friend so it was a relaxing afternoon. On the way home I stopped by Trader Joe’s to stock up on all sorts of good healthy stuff for the fridge and pantry so I’d have no excuse to run out for coffee, lunch, snacks or anything. Somehow I totally forgot olive oil which was the first item on my list. Ugh I hate it when I do that.

It has come to my attention that this year’s weight loss focus has been mostly unfocused. Sure for the most part I was sticking to under 1,600 calories per day, but the quality of what I was eating was not the best it could be. So today I concentrated on eating very intuitively and making better choices with the good stuff I got from TJ’s. I did have my usual oatmeal for breakfast but cut down on the brown sugar and olivio a bit to save some calories.

Another thing I had been doing is eating way too late at night. I’d skimp on calories for breakfast and lunch so I could eat a big dinner and a hearty snack between 9 and 10pm. Well that’s ending today. I had my oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, a great sandwich with veggies for lunch, spaghetti and veggies for dinner and then a few small York peppermint patties for dessert. And felt totally satisfied and happy with that.

Tonight I had band. It’s the first day of the new semester which means removing all the music from the folders, organizing it, and putting new music into all the folders. This process always involves a pizza party to lure us to show up to help with this boring task. I’m very proud of myself for not indulging in any of that. Just a tiny glass of Diet Coke while I stayed focused on organizing music.

So all in all a pretty good day. Work wasn’t too disappointing but it’s an off week for me so it will be slightly boring. It rained cats and dogs all day so I didn’t make it outside for a walk. Hoping for clear skies Tuesday or Wednesday morning so I can walk to the library to return a book. Oh, they’ve closed the walking path I usually take to the library (repairs or something) so I’ll have to walk in the street which kind of bites.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I hope it will be as good as today.  Enjoy your Tuesday!

 
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Posted by on May 21, 2012 in Life, losing weight

 

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The grueling .05k

I didn’t get out for a walk this morning. I walked from my bed to the car and drove straight to Starbucks for a great big coffee. Last night I met up with an old friend I haven’t seen since high school. He’s in town for business so we met for a few drinks. I had intended to have one glass of wine but it tasted really good so I had another and before I knew it, it was 1am. By the time my adrenaline settled after getting home it was after 2am so I’m super tired today. It’s such a nice day though that I’m hoping to walk after work.

Tomorrow is the Annapolis One Mile Challenge. Last year I walked it, was in constant shin splint pain the entire time, and came in last place. I know, I know, it’s about finishing and not about the numbers.

For the past year my goal has been to run it. I’m not going, obviously. A little bummed about how things turned out with that goal, but it is what it is. We’ve been over this a million times. Plus I’m not ready to run into the running club weirdo guy just yet.

Jay is working the run (traffic control) so I’ll either sleep in or go to knitting. The Eastport bridge run is a few hours later and I’m kind of undecided about that one. It’s a .05k. Seriously. It’s the one run I can manage to do and it’s so silly that I bet it’s a lot of fun. Jay and I were going to run it together but he’s backed out in favor of working that day. So now I’m not sure if I’ll go at all now. Part of the fun would be to be silly with someone else. It will literally take no more than 40 seconds to run the entire span of the bridge but everyone, apparently, acts like it’s totally serious and grueling. I love goofy stuff like that. Times like this I wish Renee was here so we could go to it and act like morons together. Silly loves company.

I don’t know. Maybe I will go by myself after all. I’d have to walk downtown to register (no pre-registration on this one) then wait around for 2 hours for the race, run it, then walk home. That would be about 4 miles of walking which is totally fine but the waiting would kind of suck. I could probably find a shady spot to read a book in between. Hmmm I think I may have talked myself into it……

 
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Posted by on May 18, 2012 in Life, Running

 

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The Tin Woman Rises

This morning I managed to drag my butt out of bed and go for a walk. Since my last blog entry I’ve done nothing in the way of self-care so this is a step in the right direction. Not saying I’m going to jump out of bed and do it again tomorrow, but I literally plunked my ass on the couch since my last “run” and have done nothing since.

Last month I went home to Michigan to bury my dad. I had intended to keep up with the running there and brought all my workout stuff with me, but in the midst of more funeral and mom drama, I did nothing. And the nothing continued until today.

I’ve learned that I’m either not mentally/emotionally strong enough or just in my own damn head too much to deal with everything life has thrown at me this year. Life’s trials have always tended to derail me, but as I get older, and everyone around me gets older, the trials become more significant and they totally weigh me down.

When I was in Michigan we had the burial, then I visited my aunt (my mom’s sister) who has brain cancer as I’m not sure I’ll see her again. I didn’t get enough time with Renee. We usually have a sleepover and stay up most of the night knitting and talking and giggling but mom was weirded out being alone in the house with my uncle so I just went over to Renee’s for a few hours so not enough recharging of my batteries.

The trip home was not too traumatic but the day after I got home Jay flew back out to see his dad. No one told us he had been in the hospital for a month so he flew out there to look into things. That’s a whole other drama that I won’t go into, but will involve lots of trips home and lots of family drama and legal bills.

Finally work is just not all that great lately. Lots of changes in the last 2 months or so and lots of change on the horizon. I really hate to think about starting over but I’m not at all happy with the way things have changed with my position so I need to make some tough decisions about what I want to do. I don’t want to go, but not sure if I want to stay. Now is probably not the best time to be making a big decision like that though so I’m still in the thinking stages. I’m hoping things improve and the powers that be start remembering that I’m out here and realize I can help and the decision will be made for me.

I really need to get out of my head, out of the past and the anger about so many things. Get out of the fear of what’s going to happen next and just live every minute.

So I walked this morning. And that’s all I can do right now. I’m not going to even try to run or push myself too hard. Hell, my knees actually started to feel all rusty, like the Tin Man, and my foot hurts for no apparent reason. How it could hurt when the only physical things I’ve done for a month is grocery shopping and laundry is totally beyond me. But I don’t like it. I’m up a few pounds, I don’t feel good, and it’s still a struggle to just get out of bed every day, let alone do something productive.

Tomorrow I hope to feel motivated enough to get up and get outside again for a little movement. I do feel better just from the 30 minutes of activity, the fresh air, and the bit of vitamin D I absorbed. But no grand goals for now. I’d like to just get out and move and of course lose the 10 pounds or so I gained back but I’m not setting a date for that or any rewards. Just letting things work out on their own. No pressure. No expectations.

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2012 in Life, losing weight, Rants, Running

 

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I surrender

Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

I surrender.

Fuck you, running. You win. I give up. The end.

Tonight after work I went to the first session of the running clinic offered by a local running club. I’d been emailing with a few of the members over the last week to discuss how the program works, my shin splints, basic stuff.

So when I got there, one of the guys with whom I’ve been corresponding introduced himself and gave me a little rah rah pep talk. He came back about 5 minutes later for another quick chat to pump me up some more and said something like “oh you’ll be fine, it’s no pressure here, good times, yada yada yada, you’ll find lots of motivation here and you can do it.” To which I replied something like “oh yeah I know I can do it, I’m totally motivated, I just need my shins to cooperate.”

And here’s where I wish I could just say what the hell is on my mind and right at the tip of my tongue and not worry about first impressions, living in a small town, and being a people pleasing ninny.

He said “it will be OK, there’s another very large woman who sometimes comes and SHE can do it.”

I stood there, hands in fists, resisting the urge to wrap my fingers around his neck, fighting the urge to scream in his face that it’s not my SIZE holding me back, it’s my shinsplints which have been giving me problems since 1983 when I was 13 years old and in pretty damn good physical condition. Friggin’ moron.

I just mumbled something like oh yeah whatever and walked away before I blew up.

So that sort of set the tone for the rest of the class.

We walked about 3/4 of the way around the track to the bleachers where they gave us the lowdown, the pep talk, trotted out the hot guy who started running with them a few years back and just completed the Boston marathon last week.

Then we stretched a bit and ran. The track was asphalt-ish but felt kind of soft so I was hoping that would be a good thing. Unfortunately the shin splints set in after the 2nd run and I couldn’t finish. They had us doing run 1 minute, walk 2 minutes, repeat 6 times. I could only do 2.

People were generally kind and tried to be helpful, but I still ended up leaving in tears before the class was over. All of the experienced mentor members present (with the exception of that first guy) who tried to help me suggested the same types of things. That I get new shoes (I just got new shoes from Fleet Feet a month ago), rest (I’ve had the problem for years, how much rest do I need???), and physical therapy.

So that’s it. I’m done. I really don’t see the point in trying and pushing this when in less than 5 minutes of running I’m in excruciating pain. How can I ever get better when the little bit I am doing is so painful? I guess it was not meant to be.

Right now I’m so angry about all of this that I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to know WHY this simple thing cannot be. Grrr.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2012 in Running

 

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Drama for a stormy Monday afternoon

There are no words to adequately express how much you are missed.

I wish you could come back. Nothing is the same without you.

Everything used to be in order. It all made sense and it was good, logical, sensible.

Now it’s all different and coming apart at the. It sucks.

More changes on the horizon…

 
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Posted by on April 23, 2012 in Life

 

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Time to throw in the towel?

It’s kind of amazing how I have to drag myself out of bed to get a workout in before work but then half way through it I somehow find the energy to get it done and feel good afterward.

Now if my body would just cooperate I’d be a happy camper. I’m not going to have much to say about running or anything if that doesn’t start to fall into line.

After Tuesday’s fairly good run I thought for sure I’d sign up for the Annapolis 1-mile run. Later that same day is the Eastport Bridge “run” and I had intended to do that as well. But after today’s super crappy run I’m starting to rethink this whole thing. I’ve just about reached the end of my rope with this and have to make a hard decision.

Basically I did the same as Tuesday. Walked slowly for about a mile, maybe a little less. Stopped for a good 3-5 minutes to stretch everything out really well, walked to the top of the last hill, reset my timer, queued up my theme song on my iPod (Hell Yeah by Rev Theory followed by Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga) and ran for it.

The first run was great. It felt good, I ran farther than ever, the stopped when my thighs couldn’t take anymore. Shins felt pretty good despite the fact that they were feeling a little splinty during the walk. Ran again shortly thereafter and didn’t go quite as far as I had hoped but soon after the voice in my ear said time elapsed 2.5 minutes for .2 miles. Beautiful. This inspired me to run again and the pain started to set in so I slowed to a walk, stopped to stretch a bit, then tried again but just couldn’t do it. Ugh.

Basically I limped to my usual resting/stretching spot and stretched for about 5 minutes. Walked the rest of the track and home without any pain but didn’t try to run again as I knew it would just hurt and aggravate the hell out of me again and there was no way I was going to cry in front of the cops again 🙂

As I walked home, pissed as hell, I decided that I’ve got to make a decision here. Do I just stick to walking and horrid in-home DVDs and try again after I’ve lost another 20 pounds? I don’t see how losing more weight will help with this though since I’ve had shinsplints since I was 15 years old and in good physical shape. But I’m just not sure what to do.

When I got home I got the idea that maybe I could hire a personal running trainer for a few sessions so he or she can evaluate my form, observe what I’m doing, maybe make some helpful suggestions. Whilst researching that I found a local running group that’s offering a beginning running program starting next week so maybe I’ll join that. I had intended to join the program at my local Fleet Feet but it started while I was home for my dad’s funeral so I missed out. Plus I don’t really find the folks at the running stores to be that helpful as they just want to sell me stuff.

So some decisions to be made here….

 

 
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Posted by on April 19, 2012 in Life, Running, weight loss

 

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