Tag Archives: finding myself

Missing you

Not sure where this is coming from just out of the blue. Must have been the stress of last Thursday and the decent cry I finally had.

I dreamed about you last night. All night it seems. You know how sometimes you’re having a good dream and you wake up and are bummed it ended? This time it didn’t. Every time I woke up during the night I was able to fall right back to sleep and continue the dream. And you were always there. Your bright blue eyes and warm smile.

But now the day is fading and the dream is long over. Losing you was so hard. I never expected something like that to hit me so hard. Must have been related to the other huge losses this year. Just far too much of it for my liking. It’s hard to believe I’ll never see you again, never again hear your voice.

I miss your voice. Your encouragement. Your patience.




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Posted by on September 16, 2012 in Grief, Life


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Step by step

So it’s Monday again and we all know what that means. D-day. All diets start on Mondays, yeah? It’s been about a month since I’ve had my act together, almost to the day, but I’m trying very hard to put it all behind me and start anew. Again.

To recap the weekend, I did not do the Annapolis 1 mile challenge, nor did I do the .05k. Kind of pissed at myself about the latter, but I just wasn’t in the mood to go to all the trouble to act silly for 45 seconds all by myself. Yes, I understand the total lack of logic in that decision. It was less than 1 minute, it wouldn’t kill me, but I just couldn’t make it important enough in my head to get out of bed and make the effort.

In fact I was pretty pissy most of the morning and into the afternoon. Jay and I went shopping for a few things and while I was out a friend texted to say she had missed me at knitting. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed for that either. That’s when I realized that I had actually been out drinking 2 nights in a row, was sleep deprived, and it was no wonder I was so crabby. Just one drink on Wednesday night then the long, late night with the old friend on Thursday. Thursday night was so bizarre that I had apparently totally forgotten about Wednesday night. Really bizarre.

Sunday I knitted with another friend so it was a relaxing afternoon. On the way home I stopped by Trader Joe’s to stock up on all sorts of good healthy stuff for the fridge and pantry so I’d have no excuse to run out for coffee, lunch, snacks or anything. Somehow I totally forgot olive oil which was the first item on my list. Ugh I hate it when I do that.

It has come to my attention that this year’s weight loss focus has been mostly unfocused. Sure for the most part I was sticking to under 1,600 calories per day, but the quality of what I was eating was not the best it could be. So today I concentrated on eating very intuitively and making better choices with the good stuff I got from TJ’s. I did have my usual oatmeal for breakfast but cut down on the brown sugar and olivio a bit to save some calories.

Another thing I had been doing is eating way too late at night. I’d skimp on calories for breakfast and lunch so I could eat a big dinner and a hearty snack between 9 and 10pm. Well that’s ending today. I had my oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, a great sandwich with veggies for lunch, spaghetti and veggies for dinner and then a few small York peppermint patties for dessert. And felt totally satisfied and happy with that.

Tonight I had band. It’s the first day of the new semester which means removing all the music from the folders, organizing it, and putting new music into all the folders. This process always involves a pizza party to lure us to show up to help with this boring task. I’m very proud of myself for not indulging in any of that. Just a tiny glass of Diet Coke while I stayed focused on organizing music.

So all in all a pretty good day. Work wasn’t too disappointing but it’s an off week for me so it will be slightly boring. It rained cats and dogs all day so I didn’t make it outside for a walk. Hoping for clear skies Tuesday or Wednesday morning so I can walk to the library to return a book. Oh, they’ve closed the walking path I usually take to the library (repairs or something) so I’ll have to walk in the street which kind of bites.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I hope it will be as good as today.  Enjoy your Tuesday!

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Posted by on May 21, 2012 in Life, losing weight


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The Tin Woman Rises

This morning I managed to drag my butt out of bed and go for a walk. Since my last blog entry I’ve done nothing in the way of self-care so this is a step in the right direction. Not saying I’m going to jump out of bed and do it again tomorrow, but I literally plunked my ass on the couch since my last “run” and have done nothing since.

Last month I went home to Michigan to bury my dad. I had intended to keep up with the running there and brought all my workout stuff with me, but in the midst of more funeral and mom drama, I did nothing. And the nothing continued until today.

I’ve learned that I’m either not mentally/emotionally strong enough or just in my own damn head too much to deal with everything life has thrown at me this year. Life’s trials have always tended to derail me, but as I get older, and everyone around me gets older, the trials become more significant and they totally weigh me down.

When I was in Michigan we had the burial, then I visited my aunt (my mom’s sister) who has brain cancer as I’m not sure I’ll see her again. I didn’t get enough time with Renee. We usually have a sleepover and stay up most of the night knitting and talking and giggling but mom was weirded out being alone in the house with my uncle so I just went over to Renee’s for a few hours so not enough recharging of my batteries.

The trip home was not too traumatic but the day after I got home Jay flew back out to see his dad. No one told us he had been in the hospital for a month so he flew out there to look into things. That’s a whole other drama that I won’t go into, but will involve lots of trips home and lots of family drama and legal bills.

Finally work is just not all that great lately. Lots of changes in the last 2 months or so and lots of change on the horizon. I really hate to think about starting over but I’m not at all happy with the way things have changed with my position so I need to make some tough decisions about what I want to do. I don’t want to go, but not sure if I want to stay. Now is probably not the best time to be making a big decision like that though so I’m still in the thinking stages. I’m hoping things improve and the powers that be start remembering that I’m out here and realize I can help and the decision will be made for me.

I really need to get out of my head, out of the past and the anger about so many things. Get out of the fear of what’s going to happen next and just live every minute.

So I walked this morning. And that’s all I can do right now. I’m not going to even try to run or push myself too hard. Hell, my knees actually started to feel all rusty, like the Tin Man, and my foot hurts for no apparent reason. How it could hurt when the only physical things I’ve done for a month is grocery shopping and laundry is totally beyond me. But I don’t like it. I’m up a few pounds, I don’t feel good, and it’s still a struggle to just get out of bed every day, let alone do something productive.

Tomorrow I hope to feel motivated enough to get up and get outside again for a little movement. I do feel better just from the 30 minutes of activity, the fresh air, and the bit of vitamin D I absorbed. But no grand goals for now. I’d like to just get out and move and of course lose the 10 pounds or so I gained back but I’m not setting a date for that or any rewards. Just letting things work out on their own. No pressure. No expectations.

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Posted by on May 17, 2012 in Life, losing weight, Rants, Running


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Another month bites the dust

Yep, I’m still out here. I didn’t dry up and blow away with the start of the new year. I’ve been very focused on my 10 things to work on in 2012, one of which is to spend less time on the computer. Hence, my absence 🙂

So where do I stand with progress on those things? Well, pretty good. Although it’s been frustrating to say the least. Here are some highlights from some of those items:

Eat within SparkPeople calorie guidelines – Doing well with regard to that. I’ve eaten within the guidelines all but 1.5 days which is great. But the scale has not moved much at all and I’m somewhat frustrated. Every week it moves fractions of a pound. Tomorrow is my weigh day so I’m hoping to see a big jump in a downward direction. Stay tuned.

Do some form of movement at least 3 times per week. Goals are still to run the Annapolis 1k in May and then a 5k sometime before the end of the year. Running is a big struggle right now. I’m OK with the breathing but the shinsplints are going to be the death of me. I’ve been using the Personal Running Trainer app on my iPhone and moved to week 2 again. Again = I tried this last year and didn’t follow through so I started again. I really want to run for several reasons. 1. It burns a lot of calories fast. 2. it’s not nearly as boring as just walking and doing gawdawful boring exercise DVDs at home. 3. I like the way muscles I didn’t even know I have kind of ache after running. Like it’s working areas that nothing else works. 4. It is literally shaking the fat off of my ass. And that’s where it needs to be shaken from the most.

Today I moved to week 2 of the PRT app which is 4 cycles of alternately walking and running for 90 seconds. I could only do slightly more than half of it. I did some shin exercises and 5 minutes on the recumbent bike before leaving home. Then walked for about 10 minutes before the little voice in my ear (that would be the app, not actual voices in my head) told me to run for 90 seconds. Well, I made it about a minute, maybe slightly more, then walked until it said to run again. On the 2nd run I made it about one minute before the shinsplints set in and hobbled over to a bench where I stopped and stretched until the pain decreased. On the 3rd running round I could only do about 30 seconds before it hurt too badly to continue. So I stopped for a minute or two and walked. I didn’t even try the 4th and final running round as it started at the bottom of a hill and I wasn’t going to even try that. I even tried running on the grass for all of those rounds thinking it would be better but it still hurt like hell.

So I’m somewhat frustrated with the running. Sunday I’m going to an open house at Fleet Feet to get some advice. Maybe some new shoes too. I just don’t know what else to do. I really want to do this so I need to invest time and effort into getting this right. Stay tuned again 🙂

Fast food – Doing great there. No fast food in January, not even Chickfila. I did have a Diet Coke from Wendy’s but that doesn’t count.
Enjoying time with friends – Doing good with that. Spending a lot of time with my Stitch n Bitch friends. Even band is going well. At the start of the semester I decided it was a good time to assert myself so I moved up to 4th chair and asked for some piccolo parts. It was a good move and I’m happy. Would have liked to have some better songs for piccolo but I got 2 this time and that’s a good start.

Managing how I react to things – This is definitely a work in progress, but going well so far. A few weeks back I got the news that I have to be in Chicago for work at the end of February. I don’t like to travel alone and don’t like to travel at all during winter but I’m taking it well. Little bummed out that I will not be in complete control of my meals for a week, but I’m not going to worry about it and just manage it the best I can. I’m stopping in Michigan again for a few days before I head on to Chicago so it will be good to see family and friends.

Work less – I have managed this very well. Although I’m working a bit more for my full time job (we’re working on a major overhaul of our systems), I’ve cut way back on my part time job so I’m feeling less stressed about that and have more free time on weekends to recover from the work week.

I think I’m going to need to revise my weight loss rewards program. I had hoped to lose the 6 pounds I gained during Q4 2011 by now but I’ve only managed to lose a few. That means I’d have to lose like 12 pounds in February to reach that first reward of a spa day and I don’t think it’s feasible to lose that much, especially if I’m going to Chicago for a week. So I’m going to have to take a harder look at what is reasonable and repost.

So that’s my month in a nutshell. Things are going well for the most part and I can’t complain. Looking forward to seeing what Weigh In Wednesday has in store for me in the AM.  Until then….

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Posted by on January 31, 2012 in Life


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2012 – 10 Things to Work On

New Year’s Eve here was pretty low key. There was a festival and fireworks downtown but we were too tired to deal with swarms of people so we just stayed home like any other night. We did cook up a special filet mignon dinner and some special snacks though.

And now today is a new day, a new year, a fresh start. Today I will get my office back in shape for work tomorrow. With all the home repairs and drama of the last quarter of 2011, I started working in the living room to keep watch on all the action. So tomorrow it’s back into my office where things are more organized and comfortable.

Although it is a new year there are no resolutions to be made. That’s just far too much pressure for me. So I prefer to call them guidelines and goals for better living and will do my best to accomplish them.

  1. Eat within SparkPeople calorie guidelines as well as eat as intuitively as possible. Lose at least 40 more pounds this year.
  2. More patience, calm, and kindness. Not just to others, but toward myself as well.
  3. Do some form of movement at least 3 times per week. Goals are to run the Annapolis 1k in May and then a 5k sometime before the end of the year.
  4. Last year I ate no fast food. Do that again in 2012.
  5. Work on managing my reactions to friends & family so I don’t allow them to upset me so much. Work on not taking thing so seriously or and getting freaked out so much.
  6. Be more thankful for what I have/share more of what I have. More focus to be made on glass half full mindset.
  7. Enjoy time spent with friends and on hobbies I love. Try to not be so lazy about getting to rehearsals/meetings on nights when I tired or crabby.
  8. Be more outspoken about things that piss me off. Embrace my inner Norma Rae.
  9. Work less – resist the pull of the money or overtime pay in favor of time off spent with friends, family, and just being still.Spend less time online doing mindless things.
  10. Simple living.  The last quarter was stressful and we found ourselves eating more but also spending more. We managed to stop ourselves right around Christmas when we were at Crate & Barrel and about to spend $40 on new coffee mugs. I really wanted them. I wanted to replace all the mismatched mugs with a set of 8 clear glass cafe mugs (they are lovely, no?) but I realized how stupid it would be to replace our perfectly good, if mismatched, mugs when it was totally unnecessary. So we resisted the urge and I’m proud of us for doing so.

Whilst all of these things are important goals I want to achieve this year, I want most to continue to drop more weight so I can enjoy life to its fullest. Although I’ve gained back a bit of the 40 pounds I lost in 2011 (and have been somewhat sluggish lately) I do feel so much better than this time last year so I’m looking forward to feeling even better as more weight comes off.

With this in mind, I’ve designed a reward system to coincide with my plan. I am notoriously cheap when it comes to certain things so the rewards are designed to be somewhat decadent to help me 1. want to achieve them; and 2. force me to be kind to myself by not denying myself nice things when appropriate. The plan is a reward for every 10-15 pounds lost. And I’m being purposely vague about the weights for all of these goals cuz that’s for me to know. Some things are just too personal 🙂

Goal 1: Lose the weight I’ve gained back. No reward for that. My reward for losing 40 pounds in 2011 was to enjoy eating and sitting too much in November & December, thus gaining pounds back. Reward already spent.

Goal 2: Ten pounds lighter than goal 1 – Day at the spa. I’m hoping to accomplish this by the end of February, 2012 because I think that’s reasonable, but I also love to have a spa day in the dead of winter. I used to do this every February but I had an unpleasant experience one year and as a result haven’t gone in several years.

Goal 3: Lose 15 more (end of April?) Put a bunch of money aside to go to Maryland Sheep & Wool fest with stitch friends in May.

Goal 4: Lose 10 more – Get new summer clothes.

Goal 5: Lose 10 more. When I get here I’m going to purchase the LUSH Legends gift box. This weight is my original goal from January 2011. I didn’t make it but I made great progress. This is the last weight when I was really happy. It’s not my lightest though. If I decide to go lower and actually do it, the reward will be huge.

Ultimate goal: If I can lose 15 more pounds from goal 5, I’m getting a treadmill or elliptical for indoor exercise when it’s too hot or crummy weather outside. Also, I want to go back to Atlantis in the Bahamas or to Pelican Beach Resort in Ft Lauderdale using the money that’s sitting in my online bank account waiting to be spent on something awesome.


Posted by on January 1, 2012 in Life


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Natural hair blues

So I’m getting kind of tired of the henna thing again. Yeah, I know, it happens a few times a year. Not that I don’t love the color because I do. I adore it. I get tons of compliments on it and it looks fabulous on me. And it’s not even the total pain in the ass that is the coloring process. It’s the state of my natural hair that has me thinking about going natural again.

Wow, just since the last time I henna’d I’ve noticed a ton more white hair growing out. I henna’d last week Tuesday but holy shit it was bad and it wasn’t all that long since the last time I colored. My hair is about brastrap length with short bangs and layered all over. I think I henna’d about 6 weeks ago and I swear there was an inch of white hair in some places!  The weird thing is that it’s not all coming in white, just in odd places.

For example, the top of my head still comes in brown, but my temples are a mix of brown and white. More white than brown at this point. There is also a bit of white on the sides but nothing at all on the top which is good. There is also a ton of it just along the hairline of my bangs. So if I need to do my roots and I’m wearing my bangs down on my forehead, you’d never know there was any white there. But if I pull them back in a headband, yikes. White city.

Now the issue isn’t that I’m physically unable to henna or even use chemical dye on it anymore. The issue is that the white is coming in much more concentrated levels thus the need to color more frequently.

So, again, I’m thinking do I keep this glorious red hair and just henna the roots much more often, or do I dye it all brown (which would be difficult to do over the henna) and let it grow out naturally to see what happens.

On one hand I feel too young to let all that white show. People still mistake me for being in my 20s. Do I want to look my age or have that Barbara Bush thing going on at only 42?  I don’t think so.

On the other hand, I feel like it might be kind of cool to see how it looks. I can always tone the white to blonde, right?

Regardless, I’ve got a few months to think about this as I just recently bought 400g of henna powder that I’m not about to let go to waste.

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Posted by on December 13, 2011 in Life


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Weekend update

The lights parade was amazing. It was much better attended than last year when it was drizzly and it easy to get a spot along the route. This year we ended up walking downtown (now that we live closer) so the walk warmed us up. We stood by the water in town then walked about a half mile up the road to view from the bridge. The drawbridge opened for about 30 minutes to let the boats switch sides and it was great. This is definitely my favorite event of the year.

It was a bit chilly up on the bridge though so when we had our fill of watching we stopped at the Starbucks to get some hot coffee but there were like 30 people in line. The other 2 coffee shops in town were similarly jammed so we started walking home. We stopped at Jimmy John’s for sandwiches then a few minutes later Jay snagged a cab home. It’s only about a mile but we were tired and cold at that point (and home is uphill LOL) so I was happy to ride. We ended up making coffee at home. Jay found some holiday spirit and added the string of multi-colored lights I bought to our tree. It looks good.

Sunday was the band concert.  I’ve never been so ill-prepared for a show, but it turned out all right. Just one song was a bit iffy. I really should practice more outside of class. Maybe if we had better music I would have. I wasn’t wild about the songs this semester.

That said, I’ve decided to give the band another semester. I spoke with the Queen Bee and the director 2 weeks ago who both agreed that this is a community band and everyone who wants a shot at playing piccolo should get one. He then said that he’ll have to hear me play first though which is ridiculous seeing as how one of the gals playing now is horrible and he’s already heard that I’m better than her. But whatever. I’m not going to go all Amadeus on them and will audition if I need to. I’m not holding my breath that it will all work out but I’m going to give it another chance.

Starting the week off on a bad note. Last night I went to bed early and listened to an audiobook while I fell asleep. About 2 hours later I had a horrible nightmare. The worst ever. Like so bad I don’t want to go into too much detail. I’ve had bad dreams before that set the tone for the next day but I never woke up screaming before. Jay had fallen asleep on the couch and came running when he heard me. I cried and cried for about an hour and didn’t settle back to sleep until about 2:30.  I’m thinking it’s all the stress I’m experiencing from work, home, guilt about not going home, etc. It’s going to be a long day.

Good news weight-wise though – I’m now only about 3 pounds up as a result of my quarter of indulgence. I’ve been right on track (but still not exercising as much as I should) so not bad at all. What is interesting though is learning how much I can indulge and not exercise and the net result of that on my weight. It doesn’t have nearly as much impact as I’ve always thought. It helps to have learned this lesson now as it’s making it easier to move forward toward my goal weight and not stressing as much about maintaining it.

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Posted by on December 12, 2011 in Life


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