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Missing you

Not sure where this is coming from just out of the blue. Must have been the stress of last Thursday and the decent cry I finally had.

I dreamed about you last night. All night it seems. You know how sometimes you’re having a good dream and you wake up and are bummed it ended? This time it didn’t. Every time I woke up during the night I was able to fall right back to sleep and continue the dream. And you were always there. Your bright blue eyes and warm smile.

But now the day is fading and the dream is long over. Losing you was so hard. I never expected something like that to hit me so hard. Must have been related to the other huge losses this year. Just far too much of it for my liking. It’s hard to believe I’ll never see you again, never again hear your voice.

I miss your voice. Your encouragement. Your patience.

 

 

 

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Posted by on September 16, 2012 in Grief, Life

 

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Not so deep thoughts

Yeah so I haven’t blogged in about a hundred years. I just don’t have the energy or brainpower to have anything useful to say so I’ve not said anything. Things here are still dark although I’m always looking up hoping to find the light again.

Three weeks ago my doctor decided I needed something to help me along and put me on a low dose of Prozac. Things were going along great. I felt so much better. Was more rested. I was actually starting to get out of bed early to exercise and had gotten my eating back on track.

Then out of the blue my extremities went numb on Friday night. Started with my left leg, then the right on Saturday. By Sunday morning both hands started to feel tingly. That’s when my mom called to inform me that my aunt (her sister) had died early Sunday morning (in Michigan) and I totally lost it.

J took me to the ER where they did a bunch of tests and pumped me full of Ativan and swapped out the prozac for lexapro. I’m feeling much better. Still a bit tingly and very stoned.

The stoned part is kind of nice. It makes everything much funnier than it should be.

For example, I’m really amused by the following that happened today:

  • I went upstairs to put some sheets in the guest room and smelled a dead mouse in the attic. So I fished him out with kleenex and tied him up in an old Rite Aid bag. Hilarious. I know it’s not hilarious, but it kind of is to me right now.
  • I figured I could use a little exercise so I walked my outgoing mail down to the mailbox a few blocks away. Got there and realized that I didn’t put a stamp on my father in law’s birthday card. He’s at a new Alzheimer’s facility. Poetic justice, irony, not sure, but pretty funny. Had to bring it back home and stamp it.

Looking forward to any other hilarious things that may happen today.

 
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Posted by on July 17, 2012 in Life

 

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Namaste, indeed.

Feels like I’m slowly climbing up from the darkness. The weather here has been wonderful for about a week, low to mid-70s during the day, 50s at night, so I think that has helped.

It’s been really hard but I’ve managed to keep my eating under control for 3 days. Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s been fairly bad for about 6 weeks now. Monday night I was super hungry after 10pm and I almost caved in and snacked but I’m trying really hard to not eat at night before bed.

Monday I got up early and walked. Yesterday I couldn’t manage to pull myself out of bed to walk, but late in the afternoon I learned about a free yoga class on the bank of a nearby river which sounded awesome. I love yoga but don’t do it often as 1. I prefer to go to a class where someone else decides what poses to do so I don’t have to think; and 2. practicing at a studio is super expensive.

I wasn’t sure if I could hold out until 8pm to eat dinner (no eating 2 hours before yoga) but at 6:30 I wasn’t really hungry yet so I quickly changed into stretchies, grabbed my yoga mat, and headed out.

Everything worked out perfectly and I’m so happy I went! Lots of parking, I was the first one there, the group was small, the instructor awesome and welcoming. And the setting could not be nicer.

This was just what I needed. I thanked the instructor so much for offering this class as it’s just what my mind, body, and spirit needed. She gave me a big warm hug and said she hoped to see me again. I’ll definitely be going back next week. Fingers crossed for good weather. But wow, am I sore today. Good sore though.

Wonderful environment for yoga

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2012 in Life

 

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Darkness

Each day I awake with the gift of new possibilities. And each day I squander the potential.

Some days I wake yet I’m in darkness and the dark stays with me until I fall asleep.

Some days I wake into the bright light and remain somewhat light. An unexpected lunch with my cousin. An invitation to a graduation. I enjoy the light so yet somehow let myself fall back into the darkness afterward.

A friend reached out to me and I reached back.

She said sometimes people put up barriers to keep people out. But that sometimes the barrier is put up to see who cares enough to break thru it. She broke the barrier and we had a wonderful day where we were both bathed in the glowing light of friendship and community.

Yet here I am in darkness again. Every day sinking further.

I’m angry with myself that my despair, this melancholy mood, is causing me to make bad choices. I am determined to not throw away my health and my life like my father did, yet are the choices I’m making any better? Not really. So why am I doing this to myself?

This needs to stop.

 
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Posted by on May 31, 2012 in Life

 

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So much for that serenity

Well that didn’t last long. Woke up this morning with that stress lump in my throat and my heart pounding. This is not good.

I believe it actually started last night. I finally found the motivation to decorate the Christmas tree so I spent an hour or so working on that before doing some knitting. While working on the tree I could hear my pulse beating in my ears. At first I thought it was the TV.

So I think it might be one of a few things:

  1. It’s Monday and Mondays suck. I like my job though so I don’t tend to get stressed out about Mondays like a lot of people do. Still, the weekend is over and seemed to fly by so maybe it’s just wishing I had more time off. Thankfully it’s a short week and then I’m off until January 2nd.
  2. Rain is coming. I heard the weather report and it’s calling for heavy rain on Wednesday so I’m very worried about the repairs to the roof. I’m going to be pissed if the roof continues to leak but I’m also worried that a new leak is going to develop.
  3. My mother is driving me crazy! I swear people think that “working from home” means I don’t do a thing all day because they call in the middle of the day and ask what I’m doing. Helllooooo, I’m working!  Anyway, my mom is good with computers but any new gadgets stress her out, then I have to hear all about it and her stress transfers to me. My uncle sent her a Kindle last week so she’s trying to figure it out and all stressed out about it. Every time she has a question, she calls. Will it work at your brother’s house, did you know that there are 49,000 free books, how do I charge it, blah blah blah. I really have no idea as I haven’t used mine in ages and never really got that good with it.

I could wring my uncle’s neck for sending the thing as I know she gets all freaked out over new technology. Like abnormally freaked out. One year my dad bought her a new laptop and it was like the end of the world. We ended up taking it back about a week later and I seriously thought one of us was going to need hospitalization over it.

So yeah, I’m a bit stressed today…..

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2011 in Life

 

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Serenity now

I’m feeling pretty good. Looking forward to having a fun weekend, getting thru next week, and then having a good long time off for the holidays. I’m still feeling a bit down, but better than I’ve felt in a few weeks.

Yesterday I packed up the box of gifts for my family and shipped it off to Michigan. Last night I spent a few hours catching up on all the knitting shows on my DVR and enjoyed the glow from the Christmas tree. During that time I decided that I’d pull out my big bottle of Prozac and start taking them again on Sunday. I’ve just had enough of this pounding in my chest and feeling like an overtightened violin string on the verge of snapping.

Then I woke up this morning and felt fine. Odd. So maybe all I needed to do was acknowledge the anxiety and depression and that I’m ready to do something about it for it to just go away on its own. Who knows. I could freak out any minute. But at least I’ll be prepared.

Today is the holiday party for one of the bands I play in. Jay is not coming with me this year. I gave him the out last week and he took it. Part of me wishes he’d heartily say “oh yes, I’m looking forward to the party” and be happy about going. But I know sitting around with a bunch of people he barely knows is no fun for him and, therefore, not as much fun for me as I know he’s watching the clock and waiting for me to say we can leave.

So I’m going alone and I’m quite happy to do so. This way I can mingle with my friends and not have that nagging worry in the back of my brain about Jay itching to go home. Looking forward to having a good time.

Other than the party, that’s all we have planned this weekend so I’m looking forward to relaxing, cleaning the house a bit (it’s a friggin’ mess right now), and maybe putting some ornaments on the tree. Right now it’s just got a little stuffed Grinch on it.

 
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Posted by on December 17, 2011 in Life

 

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Meltdown in aisle 9

Wow, well I don’t know what the hell happened to me this morning, but I totally melted down in the grocery store this morning. Very strange.

Today was the wood floor install day. They called at 7am to tell us that the installer would be here between 9am and 2pm so I went back to bed for a while. Doorbell rang at 8:15 and it was him. Earlier than expected but good all around. Early start means early finish. So I showered, got ready, and headed out to the grocery store to pick up some things for dinner (I’ve been craving Martha Stewart’s mother’s meatloaf recipe for about a week so I went to get that).

Grocery store is totally dead at 9am, presumably due to it being 2 days after Thanksgiving and no one needing any more damn food until at least Monday. So thankfully just a few people walking around the store. I get almost to the end and the KennyG version of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas starts playing. It’s a particularly melancholy version of the song. Very beautiful, but one of those holy shit it’s the holidays, I’m depressed, I miss my family, where’s the nearest bridge I can jump from kind of songs. Know what I mean?

So one minute I’m standing there thinking “$5.29 for Kraft Singles? I don’t friggin’ think so.”  And the next minute I’m trying to find Peppermint Mocha Coffee-Mate and crying my eyes out. Again, thankfully there were not many people in the store so I was able to save face but wow. How weird.

I stopped into Panera to get a bagel and a gift card for my dad for Christmas. Managed to get thru that OK but lost it again the minute I got back into my car and cried all the way home. It must be the combination of all the stuff going on with the sunroom remodel/repair, the holidays, and all this health stuff and ambivalence about my dad. Like I’ve had no idea what to get him for Christmas and don’t even know if he’ll make it until then so I was thinking oh Panera card, perfect. He likes their souffles so he can spend it on those and if he dies before Christmas, my mom can use it. Horrible, I know.  He’s still on hospice and hanging in there and today he drove himself to get a haircut (1,000 feet from home, but still significant).

By the time I got home, the flooring guy had all the baseboards fixed up (Jay tried to do them and they looked like shit) and had half of the flooring laid out and ready to nail down. I’ve been dealing with all the home repair stuff for the past 2 months so I left Jay at home to deal with it. He likes to hover over people as they work and it bugs me that he does that so I didn’t want to be around when the guy told him to stop it. LOL. Not that that happens, but it bugs me so I left.

I went to stitch & bitch for a few hours. I don’t normally go on Saturdays as I’m either working, too lazy to get up that early, or have other plans. But today seemed like a great day to get out of the house, away from the noise, have some good coffee and lots of laughs. And it was a good thing. The group of women is so entertaining and I always leave there feeling refreshed and energized by the good conversation and laughter.

I do think I have depression. It is more pronounced during the winter months and during stressful times. I have taken Prozac in the past but I’d really rather deal with it without the use of medication. I think once I get my eating back under control and get back to my workout schedule it will help.

Stopped at the craft store for yet more yarn then came home to find the floor all done and absolutely gorgeous. I’m not glad that Hurricane Irene poked a hole in our roof and we had to replace part of that room, but I am glad that we decided to remodel somewhat. The room used to be a light sage green which was nice, but the mocha color we repainted with really brings out the green and fall colors outside so it’s a huge improvement. And it makes the house more our own to have changed the color and replace the French door with a sliding door. I’m very happy with the result.

We’re still not totally done though. This afternoon I filled in all the nail holes in the baseboards and trim moldings and painted them. Tomorrow Jay is going to paint the decorative beam/shelf thing and then we’ll be ready to move the furniture back in. Yay!

 
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Posted by on November 26, 2011 in Life

 

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