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Missing you

Not sure where this is coming from just out of the blue. Must have been the stress of last Thursday and the decent cry I finally had.

I dreamed about you last night. All night it seems. You know how sometimes you’re having a good dream and you wake up and are bummed it ended? This time it didn’t. Every time I woke up during the night I was able to fall right back to sleep and continue the dream. And you were always there. Your bright blue eyes and warm smile.

But now the day is fading and the dream is long over. Losing you was so hard. I never expected something like that to hit me so hard. Must have been related to the other huge losses this year. Just far too much of it for my liking. It’s hard to believe I’ll never see you again, never again hear your voice.

I miss your voice. Your encouragement. Your patience.

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 16, 2012 in Grief, Life

 

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Drama for a stormy Monday afternoon

There are no words to adequately express how much you are missed.

I wish you could come back. Nothing is the same without you.

Everything used to be in order. It all made sense and it was good, logical, sensible.

Now it’s all different and coming apart at the. It sucks.

More changes on the horizon…

 
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Posted by on April 23, 2012 in Life

 

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Why is being true to myself so hard?

As mentioned before, I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions because I never keep them anyway and it just leaves me feeling bad about myself.  So this year I decided to put a new spin on it by leaving things that bother me in the past.  And I’ve done really well for almost two full months. Then again, there haven’t been too many challenges to this new mindset.

That is until last week when some old baggage returned in the form of an old friend I had totally written off.  Someone I had never expected to hear from again contacted me and I was 1. totally surprised; and 2. totally pissed off.  And now this week I’m just totally confused.

At first I was a total bitch and I was kind of proud of the fact that it was like yeah I acknowledge you but I have no room in my life for you.  And now over the past week I’ve found myself making room.  I’ve made so much room in fact that I find myself sitting around waiting which is exactly what happened the last time.

I like having friends, I really do;  I just can’t stand being hurt, and losing touch with this friend hurt a lot.  When I made the decision to leave things behind last year, I didn’t do it to be mean to others but to protect myself from pain.  While part of me loves being in contact again, a bigger part is scared to immediately go back to the way things were and get hurt again.  So I’m holding back.  I’m slowly warming up but don’t think I’ll ever get quite to the point we were before, yet I sense that desire from my friend.

So why did I do this again? What is missing in my life that keeps drawing me back to this relationship?  A week ago I was happy to be polite, cordial, and brief.  To keep this person cut out.  But now this week I’ve made room and we both are struggling to have it on our own terms.  There has to be a balance, but I don’t think either of us will be happy with it balanced evenly.  Both too headstrong, I think.

And again, why?  This afternoon I was sitting there thinking that this is just too hard to fight for when I’m fairly sure the balance won’t make either of us happy.  So why go on?  Why even try?  I suppose it goes back to thinking that what I get from this friendship is that it fills an empty space in my life so having that space filled must be worth fighting for.

I know that the answer lies in finding what’s missing, why am I having difficulty remaining true to my self, and avoiding giving into being a people pleaser.  Maybe if I stop worrying and just let whatever happens happen, it will work out. Maybe not.   Just very confused right now.

 
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Posted by on February 23, 2010 in Life

 

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I’m cracked wide open.

I’ve lost a lot of people in my life that I’ve loved dearly.  A few also died young; in the prime of their lives and it was awful. When my gramma died I cried the night she died and at the funeral, maybe a little here and there for a week or so. Once in a while I shed a tear because I miss her. But she was an old woman and lived a hell of a life so it seemed kind of natural.

But Renee…. her illness, suffering, and death has just cracked me wide open. I don’t know if it was because we know all the horrors she endured and how courageously she fought against them. Or maybe it’s her youth, the tragedy of her & her husband finding each other in their late 30’s and now being separated. Or perhaps it’s because I don’t have the sense of closure one would get from attending a funeral and being with everyone else who is mourning.   All I can do is post on a message board or on Facebook.  And every comment I read from our mutual friends just sends me into a tailspin.  Someone posted her obituary online for all of us to see.  It had a lovely picture of her when she was healthy and cancer not even a blip on her life’s radar.  She was so vibrant and beautiful.  Someone else commented how beautiful she was.  Then I came in and commented that I agreed she was beautiful.  But then all I could think of is that she was so young and beautiful and wonderful and now she’s all burned up and in a tiny box somewhere.  Our vibrant girl is gone.  I just cannot believe that she’s gone.  I really wish I could be with our friends right now and grieve together.

I’m absolutely useless this week and have done nothing but cry with a little bit of work mixed in. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. So I guess all I can do is try to honor her, live my life to its fullest, believe that it’s all going to be OK, and never take my friends for granted.  So with that, I just gotta say to all my friends: I love you guys.

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2009 in Life

 

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My heart is breaking….

I’m sitting here typing this through heavy tears and uncontrollable sobbing so please forgive any typos or things that don’t make sense.

Tonight, well actually 8:01pm on Tuesday, my dear friend, Renee, died.  She was 45 years old.  Renee was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in December, 2007 and was already in stage 4.  That’s the nasty thing about ovarian cancer – it’s fairly symptomless until advanced stages so by the time it is discovered, it’s really too late.

Renee fought valiantly for not quite 2 years.  She had a great attitude, thought positively, and even last week swore she was going to get back on her motor scooter for one more ride.  She finally found her one true love in her husband Rob and they were married about 4 years ago.  I think their 4-year anniversary would have been sometime later this month.  Renee was a beautiful person in every way and dearly loved by everyone.  She was a truly good person and will be deeply missed.

That’s all I can say. It hurts too much right now to say anything more.  Love you, Renee.

 
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Posted by on September 2, 2009 in Life, Rants

 

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