I surrender

24 Apr

Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

I surrender.

Fuck you, running. You win. I give up. The end.

Tonight after work I went to the first session of the running clinic offered by a local running club. I’d been emailing with a few of the members over the last week to discuss how the program works, my shin splints, basic stuff.

So when I got there, one of the guys with whom I’ve been corresponding introduced himself and gave me a little rah rah pep talk. He came back about 5 minutes later for another quick chat to pump me up some more and said something like “oh you’ll be fine, it’s no pressure here, good times, yada yada yada, you’ll find lots of motivation here and you can do it.” To which I replied something like “oh yeah I know I can do it, I’m totally motivated, I just need my shins to cooperate.”

And here’s where I wish I could just say what the hell is on my mind and right at the tip of my tongue and not worry about first impressions, living in a small town, and being a people pleasing ninny.

He said “it will be OK, there’s another very large woman who sometimes comes and SHE can do it.”

I stood there, hands in fists, resisting the urge to wrap my fingers around his neck, fighting the urge to scream in his face that it’s not my SIZE holding me back, it’s my shinsplints which have been giving me problems since 1983 when I was 13 years old and in pretty damn good physical condition. Friggin’ moron.

I just mumbled something like oh yeah whatever and walked away before I blew up.

So that sort of set the tone for the rest of the class.

We walked about 3/4 of the way around the track to the bleachers where they gave us the lowdown, the pep talk, trotted out the hot guy who started running with them a few years back and just completed the Boston marathon last week.

Then we stretched a bit and ran. The track was asphalt-ish but felt kind of soft so I was hoping that would be a good thing. Unfortunately the shin splints set in after the 2nd run and I couldn’t finish. They had us doing run 1 minute, walk 2 minutes, repeat 6 times. I could only do 2.

People were generally kind and tried to be helpful, but I still ended up leaving in tears before the class was over. All of the experienced mentor members present (with the exception of that first guy) who tried to help me suggested the same types of things. That I get new shoes (I just got new shoes from Fleet Feet a month ago), rest (I’ve had the problem for years, how much rest do I need???), and physical therapy.

So that’s it. I’m done. I really don’t see the point in trying and pushing this when in less than 5 minutes of running I’m in excruciating pain. How can I ever get better when the little bit I am doing is so painful? I guess it was not meant to be.

Right now I’m so angry about all of this that I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to know WHY this simple thing cannot be. Grrr.


Posted by on April 24, 2012 in Running


Tags: , , ,

7 responses to “I surrender

  1. Bird

    April 24, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    Ouch! Hope things even out!

  2. Courtney

    April 24, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    Don’t give up!!! I had the worst shin splints in high school and college. Orthotics helped a ton as well as lots of ice. Also swimming… it really helped the healing process but also with building back up the muscle near the shin. So frustrating. I feel your pain but don’t give up!

    • Bugg

      April 25, 2012 at 7:51 am

      Thanks for the encouraging comments. I’m going to continue working on building the shin muscles and see what happens.

  3. ilikemargarine

    April 25, 2012 at 1:57 am

    There’s an old saying among ultrarunners. “It never always gets worse.” The important thing is to try. Never stop trying. And never let jerks get you down.

    • Bugg

      April 25, 2012 at 7:52 am

      Thank you. I needed that!

  4. bzmomma

    April 27, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Oh no!!! Don’t worry about those other bozos…You can do it! I guess, keep icing and exercising? Maybe do other workouts for it…elliptical also helps me feel better if my legs/knees are hurting…less pressure on joints and overall.

  5. Leigh Turgeon

    May 11, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    First, I hate running clubs. Unless you’re a runner to begin with, they can be humiliating even with the best mentors. If you keep running, and I know you can, try to do it on your own, or with a trusted friend. That way you can go it at your own pace and not have to worry about anyone else.
    Second, I really like your blog. You’re a great writer.

    My name is Leigh. Your exceptional blog deals with depression awareness and I know you are familiar with the importance of mental health. That is why I’m writing you today. I’m sorry this is a comment but I couldn’t find an email address.

    I am ‘every woman’, the girl next door and the one you never would have suspected, however, for years I have been struggling with depression. I have written a book about my experiences entitled “The Blue Veil”.

    Through this book, it is my aim to reduce the stigma of depression by increasing awareness of the issue. I am donating a large percentage of the proceeds to 15 carefully chosen mental health awareness organizations worldwide. I have provided the list of these organizations at the end of this email.

    This is where you come in. I am organizing a 2 month long online book release campaign, structured around various depression awareness weeks around the world. It will be from July 1st to August 31st. My request is, during this period of time would you be willing to host me on your blog for a few days of those months? This can be carried out in a few ways:
    -I would send you a couple/few articles that talk about my book and of course depression awareness. You would post these articles on your blog over a few days during those months (letting me know which days you will choose)
    -You could write your own prose about “The Blue Veil” and depression awareness and post these articles on your blog over the course of the months (letting me know which days you will choose).
    Now you may be wondering what is in this for you and your blog? Well, I could provide you with a free version of “The Blue Veil”. You could also review the depression awareness organizations, which I will send to you, to see if there is one you would like to be included and I will certainly look into it.

    More on “The Blue Veil”:
    Up to 58 MILLION suffer from it in the US alone, and VERY FEW talk about it. Is it your friend, colleague or neighbor? Now, finally, ‘The Blue Veil’ brings a modern, raw account of depression. Read it and understand your loved ones better. Be assured that no one is alone.

    “Leigh has everything going for her when the unthinkable happens. She loses control of her own emotions and everything in her life begins to slip away. With a marriage strained to the brink, the loss of her father, fertility issues and the loss of her job, will Leigh be able to move beyond The Blue Veil and take back control of her future?“

    Thanks so much for your consideration and efforts. I understand that you are busy, so I wanted to express my sincere gratitude. It is with great respect for you and your blog that I write this email and it would mean so much to me to have your readers aware of my efforts.

    Please do not hesitate to contact me at any time if you have any questions regarding my request.
    Sincerely yours,
    Leigh Turgeon
    Twitter: @leighslead
    The Blue Veil Blog
    FB Page The Blue Veil
    FB Page Leigh Turgeon


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