It’s been kind of a crummy day, but as I’m looking back on it (yeah yeah I know the day is not over yet but I’m sure ready to quit for the day) I feel like another corner has been turned.
Last week my manager boss of all time left the company. I feel really bad that I didn’t travel to Chicago for his good-bye party, but when it was scheduled I didn’t feel emotionally ready to travel. And certainly not emotionally ready for another good-bye to someone I care about so soon. Turns out that was a good call on my part as I broke down and cried having said good-bye via instant messenger. I would have felt like supermoron had I done that in front of him and the entire company. Oh l’horreur! I did that once before years ago and it was mortifying.
So it’s been an unpleasant day as we’re trying to pick up the pieces and figure out how to get by without him. It’s only the first day but it’s been a challenge and I’m extremely frustrated. Being a remote employee makes it that much more difficult to get my thoughts heard across the miles. The last time our manager left the transition was so seamless and smooth it spoiled me (part of the reason for my extreme respect for this departed manager). I’m sure we’ll get thru it in time.
I’m also trying to plan another trip home at the end of the month for my father’s inurnment. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently all the terminology has changed. Interrment now means in the ground, so we’re inurning his urn thing into an outdoor cremation niche kind of thing.
Anyway, that’s at the end of the month. Part of me wants to just let my mom and brother handle it. Part of me wants to go in support of them so they don’t have to do it alone and there are no hard feelings. Part of me thinks I should go so I can’t look back in 5 years and think think that I’m an ass for not going. So lots going on in my head with regard to that. I really wish my mom would just say “I need you”. I’d be there in a flash if someone just said please come.
And then there’s the part of me that wants to use some vacation time for something fun for a change. Yes, I love seeing my family and spending time with them but the expectation (even if it’s only in my own head) that I spend as much of it in Michigan as possible grates on my nerves. I want to spend $500 on a trip to Florida where I can lounge in a tube on the lazy river at Pelican. Fall asleep on a chair on the beach. Read a good book with waves crashing around me. I’ve love to just take a month and disappear somewhere.
So if a corner has been turned, why all the whining and bitching? Well, it’s a pity party, dammit. And you’re all invited 🙂
My reaction to the frustration is what I meant by turning a corner. In the past I would have done something self-destructive. For example, when the conference call was terminated before I got my thoughts across, my reaction was different than in the past. I slammed the phone down and swore (which is nothing new), I started to cry (but stopped myself before I got going), and I decided that was the perfect time to work out. So I did. I popped my Firm DVD into the player and tuned it all out for an hour. When I came back I was exhausted but somehow more energized at the same time, I didn’t eat anything I shouldn’t have, I didn’t cry (not really anyway), and that was that.
I felt like going out for a run would have been great, but I’ve got people here working on the house so I can’t leave. This urge to do something physical to work out the tension and blow off steam is what’s new and surprising. And it’s a good thing.