Some days I think it’s getting easier but then I break down and it seems like it’s not. I’m just not sure. What I do know is that everything I’m feeling is perfectly normal so that’s a good thing.
Last Wednesday I went to a grief education workshop at the local hospice. It was slightly helpful in that there were other people there experiencing the same feelings so it made me feel normal. However they started out the session by lighting a candle and reading some sort of poem about lighting a candle in your memory, yada yada yada that made already vulnerable and sad people start sobbing. So not sure if that was the intent and meant to get us talking or something, but I didn’t find it particularly helpful nor calming.
There are a lot of things going thru my mind right now, all of which I’m sure I’ll touch on with time, but I’ve been able to determine that the thing which is bugging me most.
Where is my dad?
I have zero religious or spiritual bones in my body so I cannot relate to heaven or whatever on any level at all. I just cannot accept all that stuff and be sure of anything I cannot prove or see for myself. But I can’t stop wondering if he is somewhere. Can he see us, can he hear us? Is his body restored to health somewhere and he’s having a good old time hanging with my grandma and his friends and family who died before him.
I think if I knew for sure I’d feel a lot better. Lots of other friends and family have died but this is the first time I’m really questioning what happens after. Like is this it or is there something else? I want to believe that there is something else, something better, but I really have no idea. I just wish I knew. I think it would help me to move on.