I’ll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams

08 Dec

So this is the first Christmas in a while that I haven’t been home in Michigan and I’m feeling some guilt. About several things.

I went home in October to visit my family and told them we werent coming back until probably spring. I despise traveling during the holidays as it’s expensive, I hate weather delays, I’m a nervous flyer so any weather-related stuff tends to reallllly freak me out, and I always, ALWAYS catch someone’s cold on the plane. So they were cool about it. I mean what are they going to do, whine and make me feel bad? No, my family doesn’t lay the guilt trip on me and I’m so glad because I lay enough on myself.

As a result, I’m feeling bad about not going home. I have the whole week after Christmas off so there’s no reason (other than those stated above) that I can’t go home if I wanted to. I was hoping to spend New Year’s Eve here in Annapolis and possibly get down to Williamsburg, VA during that week off. It’s always been a dream of mine to spend some time at Christmas there. I think that’s where part of the guilt comes from in that it’s always been a dream of my mom’s as well and she’s stuck at home with a husband who is ill.

So there’s the guilt: I’m doing what I want, living my life, feeling guilty that my dad’s situation has caused my mother’s life to subsequently suck.

And what made me feel this way? I think it was the yearly “what we’ve done this year” Christmas letter from my uncle. He is a wonderful writer and sends out the most interesting yearly email detailing his and my aunt’s year. Seriously, it’s awesome. We get a few of those every year and I generally hate them, but my uncle’s is awesome.

So I got that yesterday and it made me sad.   So happy for him and Auntie, but sad that he’s my dad’s brother, probably 10 years older, and he has accomplished more in the last half of 2011 than most people do in a lifetime. It still just makes me sad that my parents sit around like bumps on a log when they could be doing amazing things like my aunt and uncle.

Anyway, we’re not going home for Christmas unless I fly home on New Year’s Eve for just a day or two. Not sure that’s going to happen but I’m thinking about it.  I want to live my life the way I want, without guilt, but I’m “shoulding” all over myself. I should go up there. I should go, this could be the last time to see my dad. I should send better presents to make up for not going home. I should, I should, I should. Ugh. I just don’t know what to do.


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Posted by on December 8, 2011 in Life


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