But I live in a small town

14 Nov

Just realized that I forgot to mention the 2nd smalltown weirdness from this past weekend.

So while we were priming the sunroom walls on Saturday evening, the next door neighbor (Jenny) came over to let us know that they had the firepit going and that we were welcome to come over and have some beers with them. I was scheduled to work from 7-midnight but it’s all computer work so I brought my laptop over there to keep tabs on my websites every few minutes. I felt like a total dork, but I explained that I was scheduled to work and everyone was like cool whatever.

Until more people showed up and I felt more self-conscious about it which led to me actually feeling bad about myself. This all spun into Jay and I going home at about 10pm (for various reasons) and then a whole lot of overeating. Ugh. My body image is really bad this week and my eating is totally out of control. I HAVE to get back on track this week. I will NOT gain back any more of the weight I spent 9 months losing.

So what happened?

Well, more neighbors stopped by and the 20 questions started again. Where do you live, how do you like it, do you have kids, are you gonna have kids, you should have kids, do you have a dog, you should get a dog, do you have a boat, you need to get a boat, what are all the home improvement people doing in there, did you not like it, can we see it, blah blah blah. Ugh.

One gal apparently didn’t remember my name so she got my attention and asked why I had my computer with me. I explained that I work for xyz company and I was monitoring some websites. Again, everyone was cool about it. But then a little later 2 of the gals started referring to my as xyz and rather than saying hey my name is xxxxx not xyz, I just let them call me xyz.

Then before I knew it I  felt like the outsider looking in. The new girl in town who was born here, didn’t grow up here, was not part of this circle of friends since high school. I felt left out. Different. Unwanted.

And then the negative self-talk kicked in. They’re all thin, are they making fun of me, are they mocking me, they’re making fun of me, they think I’m fat and ugly, they’re mocking me, they don’t want me here. I don’t belong here.

Sometimes it feels like simple things, such as conversing with new people, that should be easy are just too damn hard. Like it’s some sort of game of oneupmanship, like one has something to prove. It’s really rather exhausting.

Add to it that the past week I had been feeling  a bit down. Missing my family and friends back home. Sad that I don’t really have any good friends here. Well, that’s not completely true. I have a few friends but most live about 30 miles away, so no one I could just call and say hey wanna see a movie or let’s have coffee. No one I have history with. I was already in a state of meh and thought going to the bonfire would help perk me up. It did for a while, but then it got all weird and I didn’t make a stand.

But then, why do “I” have to make the stand? Couldn’t Chris (yes I remembered her name) have said oh hey I’m sorry I forgot your name.

I wish I was faster at thinking on my feet and not so worried about what people think of me because now in retrospect I’m SO pissed that I didn’t take control, stop the xyz thing right away, get the upper hand. The mature adult thing to do would be to just say hey this is my name and it would have been totally cool. Why was I so worried that it would be unacceptable to correct her? Very similar to the situation last week with Mr. Piccolo. I could have stopped his rude behavior and taught the little punk that such disparaging talk is unappreciated and immature but I didn’t. And on Saturday I could have just quickly corrected her and stopped it but didn’t for whatever reason.

I need to figure out what that reason is because it’s not something I want to keep repeating week after week.

So back to Saturday…. even in the dark, Jay could sense something in my demeanor had changed. I was having fun, even with the computer holding my attention somewhat, until they asked me to take a group picture of Jenny and her 3 friends. He noticed that I had become distracted and quiet and suggested that we go home and I was glad to go.

Sunday I got up early and painted the sunroom like a madwoman. I’m good at painting and I have a good eye for design and color and the sunroom looks great. I was still a bit sad so I went for a drive to find the new knitting store that recently opened. I managed to get there without getting lost but found the store overpriced and uninspiring and they didn’t have what I was looking for. My favorite fried chicken place was next door though so I got some chicken tenders which I gobbled up on the ride home (along with a Twix) and disposed of the container so Jay wouldn’t see the evidence of my chicken extravaganza.

Ugh. This is bad. But now that the contractors are done and I’m not having to wait for them every morning, I’m getting back to my morning walks. I want to lose the 6 pounds I’ve gained over the past few weeks back off by the end of the year. I don’t have any holiday parties or events (we’re not going home for the holidays this year unless my mom says I need to get home for my dad) standing in my way so there’s no reason or excuse for not getting back on track.

I Love Me – Well, I just can’t think of anything today. I’m disgusted with my eating and my reactions to uncomfortable situations last week so I’m not really loving myself today.

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Posted by on November 14, 2011 in Life


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