What the hell is wrong with me?

18 Oct

It’s like ever since I hit that 40 pounds lost mark I’ve lost my motivation. I don’t understand how and I cannot explain but I’m starting to get that “rut roh” feeling.  I’m up a few pounds, nothing drastic, probably a lot of water weight due to all the salty shit I’ve been eating and knowing I’m going home to Michigan for a few days.

But it’s like I hit that 40 pound mark and all hell broke loose maybe about a week ago and I’m breaking all my own rules and going against all those lessons learned I posted about a week ago. For the first time in 9 months I’m afraid I’m not going to get back on the weight loss wagon again on Monday and gain all this weight back.

Last Saturday night I ended up in the ER. I had eaten on plan for breakfast and lunch but somehow got really bad heartburn in the mid-afternoon. So I took 2 Pepcids and laid down for a bit. A few hours later it was still bothering me so I took another Pepcid and drank a little milk which made me feel better. But then within an hour I got this weird feeling in my lip. Like it got all warm and tingly and felt like when you get a filling. You know that feeling? Like when your lip is totally numb and tingly and it feels really fat?  Well mine WAS fat! It was all deformed and creepy looking. I Googled Pepcid lip swelling and, sure enough, facial swelling is a common side effect of Pepcid. I never knew!  And I’ve taken Pepcid for several years without an issue so why the reaction now, I have no idea. Maybe due to my taking 3x more than I should have?

Anyway, went to the ER and they pumped me full of Benadryl and prednisone and the swelling went right down. My husband and I were both starving after that so we went to Chickfila and that was the beginning of this downward slide. Chicken, fries, and a big fat chocolate shake. Yikes.

I’ve tried getting back on track for a week without much success. Over the weekend I went to Roly Poly and got my favorite sandwich (French Twist which is brie, swiss, tomatoes, scallions, and mushrooms all melted into a flour tortilla) and ended up at Trader Joe’s getting all the stuff to make them at home.  Not good!

So I’m not sure what the cause of this overeating is. Not sure if it’s because I know I’m going home and I’m going to eat all my favorite things. Or maybe I’m just so burned out on exercising and staying under 1,500 calories a day. Or maybe that it’s taken 9 long months to get to 40 pounds lost and I’m just needing a break. Or maybe it’s work stress, stress about going home, stress about the $6,000 in home repairs we just contracted, stress about the new car my husband just bought and hates already.  Maybe that’s it.  The stress of all this friggin’ money going out lately. Or even the change of seasons and the annual comfort food cravings I get when it gets darker earlier and fall nips the air. Whatever the cause, I seem to have somewhat lost my “I’ll get back on track with the next meal or tomorrow and all will be well” mentality, and gone back to my “I’ve already F’d this up so bad that there’s no point in even trying until Monday” mentality. Complete with totally skipping my daily workouts.

Not sure about any of it but what I AM sure of is that I’ve got to get back on track the minute I get home from Michigan on Monday. It’s only 6 more days, how much damage can I do in six days?  If I think back to what I wrote about what I learned, I’ll realize that this will all be OK as long as I get my ass back on track on Monday.

There’s no reason I can’t be good tomorrow. And Thursday. I’m traveling Thursday so I’ll eat brekkie at home, something light when I get to my mom’s house, then I think she’s making spaghetti on Thursday night so I’ll just have to control myself there.

Friday is another story as it’s PF Chang’s with my friend, Ken, then tacos from El Charro with my friend, Renee. But then Saturday and Sunday look good for being on track. No, there’s no reason I can’t be half on track starting right now. I’m resolving to do that today. Yes, I am.

So I AM taking my workout clothes with me and I WILL get some exercise in. I AM going to eat intuitively for the rest of the week. I AM going to get my shit together for Monday. Yep, I’m doing it.

All that said, I have a few new motivational clothing pieces to focus on. One is my new pink and cream plaid coat from Old Navy. It fits but just perfectly. It would fit better if I lost 10 more pounds. I also picked up some Chico’s jeans from a very foofy consignment store over the weekend that are a big snug in the behind. Again, 10 more pounds and they’ll be perfect.

I’m also determined to run in the 1-mile challenge in Annapolis in May (if they do that race again) and am seriously considering doing a mini-triathlon in Michigan in July with Renee.   So I have some specific goals in mind and am determined to achieve them.  Pressing the reset button now.


Posted by on October 18, 2011 in Life


Tags: , , , , ,

4 responses to “What the hell is wrong with me?


    October 18, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    You’ve lost 40lbs? Holy Moley girl it’s time to celebrate … put those milestones up in front of you, look at all you’ve checked off and know this … what you’ve already done is inspiring!


    • whenonedoorcloses

      October 18, 2011 at 6:13 pm

      Thank you SO much! I’m so proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished, but so PO’d at the same time for slacking. 🙂

  2. Debbie

    October 18, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Nine months of progress vs ten (?) days of spinning your wheels? Tut tut… If you were stuck in that rut of never getting back on track, eh, maybe you would have reason to beat up on yourself. But at the moment, you still have many weeks of discipline and determination over the one week of … being normal and human.

    Congratulations on each and every one of those pounds being shed. Congratulations on each and every one of those fears that had to be faced and overcome. Congratulations on each and every one of those trigger points you gained control of and that no longer have control of you.

    Congratulations on the journey of being a woman who makes her own decisions in an universe that likes to sweep us all away.

    • whenonedoorcloses

      October 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm

      Thanks for the words of support. You’re absolutely right! It’s just 10 days and I AM normal and human. Well human, anyway 🙂


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