Sometimes I just break down. I try not to, but sometimes it just happens regardless of how hard I try. Yesterday was one of those days and I’m so mad at myself for letting it happen but today I’m getting on with it. Sure, stopping to bitch about it, but getting on with it.
I used to think that I couldn’t help crying. That it was just the way sadness, anger, frustration, and just too damn many emotions manifests inside me and is displayed outwardly. Not that I did it all the time, but often enough to bug me. Especially if it happened at work. But last year I read something that said don’t even start crying (or whatever the emotion is that gets the best of you) as it will become habit and the way you deal with everything. Which made a lot of sense when I really thought about it. Since I was a child I was conditioned to cry when things went wrong. Or to drown the pain of the weekly allergy shots and asthma treatments in a dozen or so of those little man-shaped cookies from the bakery next door. So yeah, it makes total sense that doing the wrong thing or choosing the wrong reward could lead to trouble later on.
Ever since reading that article (I sure wish I could remember who wrote it so I could post it here) I’ve tried really hard to not cry over things that upset me and typically elicit that response. Like when I had to go to Chicago for work in April and didn’t want to, like when I went home to Michigan for the weekend and returned to Maryland, when I smashed my car in May, when I got bad news about friends and family earlier this month. It definitely helps to stop and think about my feelings and how I am affected by them. In most of the cases above, I didn’t cry. Or had started to, remembered that I’m strong and confident, and was able to stop myself.
But yesterday I just got pissed about a number of things and, hard as I tried, the tears just leaked right out. First was my car. It was smashed over Memorial Day weekend and still hasn’t been completely fixed due to no fault of my own. The repair shop totally missed 4 dents in the roof that they agreed to fix. They ordered the part then never bothered to let me know when it arrived so we lost 2 weeks there. Then they couldn’t fit me in for the week after 4th of July so I dropped it off on the 20th (I was out of town with my car the week before that) and they’ve had it ever since. I called yesterday to get a status and was told they haven’t even touched it yet. So it sat there for 5 days doing nothing, when I could have been driving it, and I have no idea when they’ll be finished with it. No apologies, no oh hey we can help you out with a rental due to this inconvenience, no oh hey we can come pick you up when it’s done or we’ll make damn sure to let you know the minute it’s ready or we’ll expedite this since you’ve been waiting 2 months already to get your car fixed because we’re blind and didn’t notice 4 huge dents in your roof, a leaky sunroof and a totally jacked up interior header. No, they just bitched that I dropped the car off on the 20th rather than the 19th. Yeah, like that would have made a difference. Oy. So I’m at their mercy right now and just hoping I can get it back before the weekend. So that’s thing #1 to piss me off yesterday.
They I was just totally annoyed at work due to severe lack of communication. I’m constantly forgotten about so I miss conference calls, emails, communications that I really need in order to do my job well so I sort of lost it a little and was short with some people. On one hand I want to really let it out and rant but on the other I don’t want work to come to the conclusion that the working remotely thing is working out and they’d prefer to have someone physically in the office. So I’m kind of stuck there, but still very frustrated and very stressed at work lately.When I finally got someone’s attention during the conference call, my tone was short and my voice cracked at the end when I started to cry. Ugh. I just hate that but I don’t think anyone noticed. Thankfully it wasn’t in a room full of people, just over the phone. That was bad enough.
Finally, my Torrid order came in. You know, the one I was excited about as I found a replacement for my olive military-style jacket? Well the jacket fits like a glove and the shirt is just slightly tight in the hips so the jacket will be great for fall but the top needs a few more weeks of work and loss before I’ll be comfortable wearing it. So that’s great! But Torrid shipped the order three times and charged me three times so now I have to return two of them and hope they don’t screw up my refund. Oy.
The above actually occurred in car, Torrid, then work order, work being the thing that threw me over the edge because I take my work very seriously. Probably too seriously to be honest. But I have a very strong work ethic so when things go wrong, I take them personally. Maybe that’s the next thing I need to work on.
So in the grand scheme of things none of these things is awful. No one died, I’ll eventually get my car back, I’ll have to have another chat with my boss about being kept in the loop. This too shall pass and I’ll keep on trying to not break down. But I can give no guarantees. I’m proud of myself that I didn’t run to the fridge over this. A little crying I can handle. Today is another day.