As mentioned before, I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions because I never keep them anyway and it just leaves me feeling bad about myself. So this year I decided to put a new spin on it by leaving things that bother me in the past. And I’ve done really well for almost two full months. Then again, there haven’t been too many challenges to this new mindset.
That is until last week when some old baggage returned in the form of an old friend I had totally written off. Someone I had never expected to hear from again contacted me and I was 1. totally surprised; and 2. totally pissed off. And now this week I’m just totally confused.
At first I was a total bitch and I was kind of proud of the fact that it was like yeah I acknowledge you but I have no room in my life for you. And now over the past week I’ve found myself making room. I’ve made so much room in fact that I find myself sitting around waiting which is exactly what happened the last time.
I like having friends, I really do; I just can’t stand being hurt, and losing touch with this friend hurt a lot. When I made the decision to leave things behind last year, I didn’t do it to be mean to others but to protect myself from pain. While part of me loves being in contact again, a bigger part is scared to immediately go back to the way things were and get hurt again. So I’m holding back. I’m slowly warming up but don’t think I’ll ever get quite to the point we were before, yet I sense that desire from my friend.
So why did I do this again? What is missing in my life that keeps drawing me back to this relationship? A week ago I was happy to be polite, cordial, and brief. To keep this person cut out. But now this week I’ve made room and we both are struggling to have it on our own terms. There has to be a balance, but I don’t think either of us will be happy with it balanced evenly. Both too headstrong, I think.
And again, why? This afternoon I was sitting there thinking that this is just too hard to fight for when I’m fairly sure the balance won’t make either of us happy. So why go on? Why even try? I suppose it goes back to thinking that what I get from this friendship is that it fills an empty space in my life so having that space filled must be worth fighting for.
I know that the answer lies in finding what’s missing, why am I having difficulty remaining true to my self, and avoiding giving into being a people pleaser. Maybe if I stop worrying and just let whatever happens happen, it will work out. Maybe not. Just very confused right now.