New year, new mindset…. letting go and leaving it behind

09 Jan

Whoa, I can’t believe it’s been four months since my last blog.  That’s crazy.  When I have a lot on my mind or I’m upset I tend to blog on a regular basis.  I’ve had tons on my mind but maybe my new outlook on things is allowing me to process my thoughts and feelings better so I don’t feel the need to write about it.  Not certain, but I think that’s got something to do with it.

So what’s been going on with me?  Well let’s go back to the last blog. Brianna and that threw me off for a few weeks.  I can’t believe four months have passed since then.  It seems like yesterday, but when I think back to September 1st, so much has happened since then.  We went camping right after, I did a lot of geocaching, another trip to Chicago I think, went on a ghost hunt with Renee.  Just before the holidays we learned that my Brianna’s loser husband is already shacked up with some skank and they’re planning to get married.

That’s what really put me into this new mindset of not getting worked up about things I have no control over.  We all became so upset when we heard the news and we freaked out.  I still can’t believe that he could move on so quickly and I will always wonder if he was carrying on with the skank while Bri lay dying in the hospital.  But there’s not a damn thing I can do about that and I have to let it go and move on.  With that and with lots of things, starting now.

I never been good at keeping resolutions to lose weight or to work out every day.  Resolutions seem so negative.  All that talking about what I’m NOT going to do anymore instantly makes me feel deprived so that’s all I can focus on.  So 2010 is the year of things left in the past, making an effort to improve, and not being upset with myself if I fall short.  It’s Resolutions 2.0 – new and improved.

It’s really quite simple.  In 2010 I want to eat more fruits and veggies.  Not a specific number per day or per week.  Just keep the stuff on hand and consider eating them instead of something not as nutritionally .  If I decide to eat the orange, great.  If I decide to eat the Doritos, also great.  Not gonna beat myself up for not being perfect 100% of the time.

But most important, is the mental health.  There’s been too much baggage spinning around on the carousel in my mind for too many years.  On December 31st, 2009 the power to that carousel was cut and all that baggage that bogged me down has been unloaded and driven away on that little baggage train (Yes, I am the queen of analogies.  Deal with it.)

What, specifically, am I leaving behind?  People and their drama.  All my life I’ve been the planner, the one who keeps in touch, the one who suggests outings and get-togethers.  And all my life I’ve had to call, email, send carrier pigeons, hire skywriters (I exaggerate a lot too) in an effort to keep in touch.  And it’s been the same old story – things don’t work out, calls aren’t returned, they cancel at the 11th hour with lame excuses, or I get stood up and then blown off.

Then there’s my personal favorite – being the back up friend.  Ignored until someone needs a shoulder to cry on, a ride to the airport, or their relationship broke up so now they have room for me in their lives.   Nuh-uh.  That don’t fly with me anymore.  I’m not a last resort, a port in the storm, always waiting in the wings.  So don’t treat me like one, because I probably won’t be there anymore.  So if I’ve tried to reach out to you and you’ve blown me off, don’t be surprised when you come looking for me when the person you’d rather spend time with isn’t available and I’m not there waiting.

No more.  It does my mind no good to have to fight for friendships.  If that mean I sit home with my cat every Friday and Saturday night for the rest of my life, so be it.  I’m so very tired of trying and being disappointed in others and ultimately disgusted with myself for the way it totally derails me.  That BS is so last year.  Literally.

I actually started putting this last one into practice twice just before the new year and it was so freeing to not get prematurely freaked out about either incident.  One plan never materialized, just as I knew it wouldn’t.  The other was with a friend who routinely stands me up so I made an alternate plan just in case and was cool with putting that plan into place.  So the more I work on it, the less I freak out, and the better I feel about everything.

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Posted by on January 9, 2010 in Life, Rants


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