I’m cracked wide open.

03 Sep

I’ve lost a lot of people in my life that I’ve loved dearly.  A few also died young; in the prime of their lives and it was awful. When my gramma died I cried the night she died and at the funeral, maybe a little here and there for a week or so. Once in a while I shed a tear because I miss her. But she was an old woman and lived a hell of a life so it seemed kind of natural.

But Renee…. her illness, suffering, and death has just cracked me wide open. I don’t know if it was because we know all the horrors she endured and how courageously she fought against them. Or maybe it’s her youth, the tragedy of her & her husband finding each other in their late 30’s and now being separated. Or perhaps it’s because I don’t have the sense of closure one would get from attending a funeral and being with everyone else who is mourning.   All I can do is post on a message board or on Facebook.  And every comment I read from our mutual friends just sends me into a tailspin.  Someone posted her obituary online for all of us to see.  It had a lovely picture of her when she was healthy and cancer not even a blip on her life’s radar.  She was so vibrant and beautiful.  Someone else commented how beautiful she was.  Then I came in and commented that I agreed she was beautiful.  But then all I could think of is that she was so young and beautiful and wonderful and now she’s all burned up and in a tiny box somewhere.  Our vibrant girl is gone.  I just cannot believe that she’s gone.  I really wish I could be with our friends right now and grieve together.

I’m absolutely useless this week and have done nothing but cry with a little bit of work mixed in. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. So I guess all I can do is try to honor her, live my life to its fullest, believe that it’s all going to be OK, and never take my friends for granted.  So with that, I just gotta say to all my friends: I love you guys.

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Posted by on September 3, 2009 in Life


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