It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately so I did some research. Yeah, I know, how lame. I had to research to figure out what box to stick myself in. But I don’t like to jump into any boxes, suitable or not, without making sure it’s the right one.
In the past I’ve felt weird when learning that someone I know and/or like is an atheist. I guess I thought it was a bad thing and never knew what to say. I suppose there is a general assumption that being an atheist means one is evil, worships the devil, is immoral, and is wicked. But that’s not what it means. Not at all. It simply means “lack of belief in gods”. It’s not a religion, or worshiping someone or something else, just a lack of belief altogether.
And I’m there. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. I can remember bugging my mom about something one Easter Sunday and her telling me to go upstairs to my room “and think about Jesus”. I can still picture the scene and the “WTF” look on my face right after she said that. I can still remember sitting up there in my room and thinking about what she said but thinking and feeling nothing. I never got it, and don’t think I ever will. Oh, I’ve tried to seek out the facts and explore the possibilities, but it always comes down to the fact that I don’t and can’t believe in things that I can’t see or that someone has not proven with 100% certainty. OK so I know like Jupiter is up there even though I’ve never seen it, but I just have no faith or belief in supernatural things.
While sometimes I find myself having the urge to pray or ask some larger force for something, I stop myself before I even really begin because I just don’t believe that there is such a being. For example, when I lay my head down on my pillow and think of my friend Renee I want so much to ask someone to stop her pain and suffering and to make her whole and well again. But who is listening? No one. I’m just talking to myself. If there was someone out there who could make her better, how the hell did she get so sick in the first place? I mean, if there is a god and he or she is responsible for everything that does or does not happen in the world, what’s the point of praying and worshipping to whoever inflicted this horrible disease on Renee and all the other people in pain and suffering? How can that be?
I’ve asked that question so many times in the past and usually get some sort of blah blah about god letting it happen because of someone who ate a freaking apple 50 bazillion years ago and free will and yada yada yada. Yeah, I just don’t buy that. It all seems like a bunch of excuses that humans made up to explain the unexplained and justify faith and religion.
I guess I just don’t understand prayer at all. How can people sit there and pray for something, not know whether the prayer will be answered, and be OK with it either way it works out? What’s the point? Or what about people who are suffering have faith and be OK with however things work out. It’s just incomprehensible to me.
So yeah, I’m an atheist. And I’m OK with that. I don’t believe in gods or have faith in anything. Except maybe myself. And even then not so much sometimes.