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Things I don’t understand, and likely never will

So it’s already been established that I’m not a religious person at all. I have a very hard time believing in things that I cannot absolutely prove via math, science, or observing it with my own two laser-corrected eyes.

Yet things like the following statement make me wonder where people are coming from when they say the following: “God was with you today!”

Now the context of the above statement is this: Friend was headed to the airport, roads are slippery, she got into a 6-vehicle collision, and both the front and rear end of her vehicle are smashed. Pretty bad. Could have been much worse, but not exactly a good thing.

Then someone comes along and says “God was with you today!” And I have to wonder, was he/she/it? So God was with her in that it wasn’t worse, but a car accident is bad by most peoples’ standards so where was God when she was smashed both front and back?

I’m not criticizing those who are believers, who have faith, whatever. I just personally don’t get where that fine line is. And it seems to be a very fine line. Sometimes I don’t know why I bother to spend the time to think about things like this when there are no answers. I just don’t understand the blind faith concept and God being in control. Except when he/she/it is not in control. Makes no sense to me.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2013 in Life

 

The obligatory January 1st blog entry

It’s totally cliche but something about New Year’s Day just tends to have that affect on a person with all that “where have I come from, where am I going, what are my goals a resolutions” kind of thought process.

Well this year I’ve decided that I do need to set some goals but without the looking back with regrets or anything. Yes, 2012 was the single worst year of my life so far, but I surely don’t want to dwell on that. In fact, I only know that my last blog post was some time in September after leaving my last job and starting my new job. I’m pretty sure the content was not positive and that’s OK. It’s time to move on and gently embrace myself first, then whatever 2013 brings.

That said, I do have some things I’d like to work on:

  1. Make an effort toward health & fitness. I picked up a decent treadmill on Craigslist which is in my old office and is not the best place for it. J has agreed to let me move it down to the man cave where I can have a small corner to use the treadmill and store my yoga supplies. I got a great deal from yogadownload.com over the holidays so I’m all set up for walking, meditating, and stretching in the cave.
  2. As for weight loss, yes, I’d like to drop some pounds but I’m not going to skip parties because “bad” food will be there. I’m not going to completely deprive myself, but I’m not going to pig out either. Focus more on intuitive eating and making better choices.
  3. Make peace with my past. Accept that my father is dead, my aunt is dead, things change and are never the same again but life goes on. And picking up destructive habits to help cope with life’s curveballs is not the right way to work through it. I need to find other methods.
  4. Stay out of my own head. Don’t think so much and wonder why things are they way they are. Accept it, don’t let it hurt me, move on, don’t make the same mistake twice.
  5. Choose my battles – with myself, I mean. There are so many hobbies I enjoy that I try to do them all, get burnt out, then don’t want to do any of them. I want to shoot for being away from home only 2 nights a week rather than 4 nights plus Saturday. If something becomes too much drama and not enough fun, I’m done with it. No more going out of feelings of guilt or obligation.
  6. Positivity – Just need to focus on the positive more often. Don’t dwell in the past, live in the present, look hopefully toward the future.Image

So there it is. Not too earth-shattering or deep. I’m not sure how often I’ll write here and what I’ll write if I do.

If anyone is still out there reading, thanks for sticking around. I hope you have lovely winter holidays and enjoy a happy, healthy 2013.

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2013 in Life

 

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Where did my mojo go?

For the past few days I’ve been killing my to do list. I got a new job so I have about 10 days off before I start next week and my to do list is long do long long. Last week I was able to get tons done. Sent my laptops back to the old job, cleaned out my closet and organized everything into summer and spring, fall winter boxes, as well as “oh hell these don’t fit anymore” boxes. Also managed to get a few doc appts in, went to the beach, went to the fair, picked up my winning needlework entries from the fair, and pulled out the dead summer plants and replaced with pansies and flowering cabbage. Whew! Yeah, lots done.

But today I seem to have lost my motivation a bit. It’s nasty, windy, rainy outside today and I knew it would be so I saved all my indoor chores for today and am having a hard time getting off the couch and getting them done.

I need to get some laundry done, clean up my home office to turn it into a less officey living space. I’ll still keep the desk and file cabinet in there but I think the white board can be relocated to the basement and maybe I’ll bring my IKEA Poang chair upstairs to provide a comfy sitting place for reading and yakking on the phone.

Also need to do some grocery shopping but I think I’ll put that off until tomorrow in case we lose power. It would be just my luck to stock the freezer and fridge only to have the power go out. Guess we’ll get Chinese takeout tonight :)

OK here I go. The organization isn’t gonna get done by itself. Thinking I need a little caffeinated intervention here.

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2012 in Life

 

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Missing you

Not sure where this is coming from just out of the blue. Must have been the stress of last Thursday and the decent cry I finally had.

I dreamed about you last night. All night it seems. You know how sometimes you’re having a good dream and you wake up and are bummed it ended? This time it didn’t. Every time I woke up during the night I was able to fall right back to sleep and continue the dream. And you were always there. Your bright blue eyes and warm smile.

But now the day is fading and the dream is long over. Losing you was so hard. I never expected something like that to hit me so hard. Must have been related to the other huge losses this year. Just far too much of it for my liking. It’s hard to believe I’ll never see you again, never again hear your voice.

I miss your voice. Your encouragement. Your patience.

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 16, 2012 in Grief, Life

 

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Not so deep thoughts

Yeah so I haven’t blogged in about a hundred years. I just don’t have the energy or brainpower to have anything useful to say so I’ve not said anything. Things here are still dark although I’m always looking up hoping to find the light again.

Three weeks ago my doctor decided I needed something to help me along and put me on a low dose of Prozac. Things were going along great. I felt so much better. Was more rested. I was actually starting to get out of bed early to exercise and had gotten my eating back on track.

Then out of the blue my extremities went numb on Friday night. Started with my left leg, then the right on Saturday. By Sunday morning both hands started to feel tingly. That’s when my mom called to inform me that my aunt (her sister) had died early Sunday morning (in Michigan) and I totally lost it.

J took me to the ER where they did a bunch of tests and pumped me full of Ativan and swapped out the prozac for lexapro. I’m feeling much better. Still a bit tingly and very stoned.

The stoned part is kind of nice. It makes everything much funnier than it should be.

For example, I’m really amused by the following that happened today:

  • I went upstairs to put some sheets in the guest room and smelled a dead mouse in the attic. So I fished him out with kleenex and tied him up in an old Rite Aid bag. Hilarious. I know it’s not hilarious, but it kind of is to me right now.
  • I figured I could use a little exercise so I walked my outgoing mail down to the mailbox a few blocks away. Got there and realized that I didn’t put a stamp on my father in law’s birthday card. He’s at a new Alzheimer’s facility. Poetic justice, irony, not sure, but pretty funny. Had to bring it back home and stamp it.

Looking forward to any other hilarious things that may happen today.

 
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Posted by on July 17, 2012 in Life

 

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Namaste, indeed.

Feels like I’m slowly climbing up from the darkness. The weather here has been wonderful for about a week, low to mid-70s during the day, 50s at night, so I think that has helped.

It’s been really hard but I’ve managed to keep my eating under control for 3 days. Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s been fairly bad for about 6 weeks now. Monday night I was super hungry after 10pm and I almost caved in and snacked but I’m trying really hard to not eat at night before bed.

Monday I got up early and walked. Yesterday I couldn’t manage to pull myself out of bed to walk, but late in the afternoon I learned about a free yoga class on the bank of a nearby river which sounded awesome. I love yoga but don’t do it often as 1. I prefer to go to a class where someone else decides what poses to do so I don’t have to think; and 2. practicing at a studio is super expensive.

I wasn’t sure if I could hold out until 8pm to eat dinner (no eating 2 hours before yoga) but at 6:30 I wasn’t really hungry yet so I quickly changed into stretchies, grabbed my yoga mat, and headed out.

Everything worked out perfectly and I’m so happy I went! Lots of parking, I was the first one there, the group was small, the instructor awesome and welcoming. And the setting could not be nicer.

This was just what I needed. I thanked the instructor so much for offering this class as it’s just what my mind, body, and spirit needed. She gave me a big warm hug and said she hoped to see me again. I’ll definitely be going back next week. Fingers crossed for good weather. But wow, am I sore today. Good sore though.

Wonderful environment for yoga

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2012 in Life

 

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Darkness

Each day I awake with the gift of new possibilities. And each day I squander the potential.

Some days I wake yet I’m in darkness and the dark stays with me until I fall asleep.

Some days I wake into the bright light and remain somewhat light. An unexpected lunch with my cousin. An invitation to a graduation. I enjoy the light so yet somehow let myself fall back into the darkness afterward.

A friend reached out to me and I reached back.

She said sometimes people put up barriers to keep people out. But that sometimes the barrier is put up to see who cares enough to break thru it. She broke the barrier and we had a wonderful day where we were both bathed in the glowing light of friendship and community.

Yet here I am in darkness again. Every day sinking further.

I’m angry with myself that my despair, this melancholy mood, is causing me to make bad choices. I am determined to not throw away my health and my life like my father did, yet are the choices I’m making any better? Not really. So why am I doing this to myself?

This needs to stop.

 
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Posted by on May 31, 2012 in Life

 

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